The Gift of Life
by Titan5
Summary: Sheppard deals with the aftermath of the Wraith feedings in this tag to Common Ground.
1. Chapter 1

**Note: **Yes, this is yet another Common Ground tag. I had it half written in my head the night the episode aired, but it's been nearly impossible to find the time to actually write it down. At this point, probably just about everything possible has already been done, but I can't seem to let this go, so here it is, good or bad, needed or not.

**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own any part of them or have any rights to them. I'm just playing in their yard for a while.

The Gift of Life - Chapter 1

_The gift of life is reserved only for our most devout worshippers . . . and our brothers._

The phrase kept replaying in his mind like a broken record. Was he now the brother of a Wraith? What did that mean? The creature had taken his life, only to give it back.

"Colonel, we're here."

John jumped, instantly jerking back from the light touch on his arm so hard that he rammed his shoulder into the wall of the jumper.

"Sorry . . . I didn't mean to startle you," said Rodney, his eyes wide with apprehension.

John forced his muscles to relax and his ragged breathing to slow. "S'okay, just jumpy," he mumbled sheepishly. He glanced around the jumper, attentive to the sudden silence and lack of motion. Everyone was either staring at him, pity in their eyes, or pointedly looking away. He appreciated the ones that were looking away, obviously understanding his discomfort at being the current center of attention.

"Come on Colonel, let's go," said Beckett from his other side.

John grunted and nodded as he slowly got to his feet. His mind had been somewhere else during the trip back to Atlantis, so he had no idea how long it had taken, but it had been long enough for his muscles to lock up and get stiff. A pervading ache seemed to ebb from one side of his body to the other. He instinctively brought his hand up to his chest, rubbing the area where the feeding mark should be on his chest, feeling the deep burning ache that radiated inside him. _The gift of life . . . _

"Colonel, are you all right?" asked Beckett, prodding him from behind.

"I'm good," John said automatically, the meaning not even registering with him. He began walking forward, intent on heading to his quarters. He wanted to be alone and yet he didn't, but more than anything, he wanted away from the looks and the stares. He needed some time to sort though his thoughts, to put everything away into their nice little slots in the back of his mind. He needed time to rebuild his walls.

As John exited the jumper, Elizabeth met them, gasping when she saw his appearance. They had told her over the radio that he was all right, but she hadn't dared to believe them. But there he was, looking just like he had before he walked through the gate all those hours ago. The only thing that had changed, besides the obvious signs of exhaustion, were his eyes. She felt her throat constrict painfully at the absence of the confident light that usually commanded her attention.

Elizabeth stood directly in front of John, stopping his forward progress as she grabbed one of his hands, holding it firmly in both of hers. "John, you . . . you're really okay?" She fought hard to retain control, to speak without having her voice quake as badly as her legs were. "We were so worried."

"I'm fine," he said, his voice and his eyes seeming vacant. "Just tired."

Carson came around to stand beside Sheppard. "Elizabeth, I need to get him to the infirmary. We have no idea what all this has done to his system."

John frowned and turned to Beckett. "I . . . I thought I could stay in my room." He seemed almost childish in his request, like a boy asking for something he knew he couldn't have.

Beckett was shaking his head even before Sheppard finished his request. "Absolutely not, colonel. I have no idea what that Wraith did to you or what kind of long-term effects it might have. I'll need to run some tests and monitor you for a while." Seeing the look of panic on his patient's face, Beckett tried to smile reassuringly. "Don't worry, lad. The tests shouldn't take too long and if the monitoring goes all right, maybe I can let you go back to your room tomorrow."

John briefly considered running, wondering how long he could evade them if he could get to the far side of the city. He knew it was an absurd thought, but he was too tightly wound to sit around the infirmary. He'd wanted nothing else for the past twenty-four hours than to get back to Atlantis, and now he wanted to run from his friends. How crazy was that? He was beginning to wonder if maybe he'd lost his mind along the way. He almost laughed out loud. Saved from death only to go nuts. How ironic.

He was suddenly aware that he was moving. Beckett had hold of his forearm, steering him down the corridor toward the infirmary. He didn't even remember leaving the jumper bay. Glancing around, he noticed McKay and Elizabeth walking at his other side with Teyla and Ronon following behind. His legs were beginning to feel a little like Jell-o as the adrenalin from earlier began to fade. His whole body felt out of kilter, almost foreign.

John wasn't sure if his knees buckled of if he simply tripped over his own feet, but suddenly he was headed for the floor. It was a fine time to discover his reflexes were shot as he tried in vain to get his arms to come up and break his fall. Fortunately for him, Ronon's cat-like reflexes were in excellent shape and he managed to snag the colonel in time to keep him from crashing to the ground.

As the fog cleared from John's mind, he discovered he was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. He blinked a couple of times, resulting in Beckett's face coming into focus. "Doc?"

Beckett gave him a tight smile. "We lost you for a few seconds there, colonel. How do you feel?"

"I'm okay," John said immediately. He was nervous about the way his team was looking at him, at the way they had been looking at him since they found him. John began to push against the floor, trying to get up.

Beckett's hand shot out and pushed John down. "Stay put, colonel. I've already called for a gurney."

"But I can walk," John said, knowing he was whining, but not caring.

"Aye, that may be, but I'll feel a whole lot better if you ride. Humor me, colonel . . . please."

Even though he felt weak and shaky, John still didn't want to ride to the infirmary. He glanced up at the faces looking down at him and he noticed for the first time how haunted their expressions were. With a start, he realized why. They had watched a Wraith feed on him, three times no less. He shuddered as he thought of them watching as he was tortured, his body growing older and more ravaged with each feeding. In their minds, he had been lost. He knew that they were expecting to find him dead or so old that he'd just be shipped off to a nursing home somewhere. For them it hadn't been so much a rescue mission as a recovery mission.

John looked down at the floor, avoiding their probing eyes. "Fine, I'll ride," he whispered. Closing his eyes, he let his head fall back against the wall. He focused on the ache in his muscles, attempting to block the memories of being fed on that kept popping into his head. The next thing he knew, people were tugging on his arms. He looked up to find Beckett and McKay pulling him to his feet, a lowered gurney sitting beside him. When had that arrived?

As they helped him onto the waiting stretcher, he realized he was shaking so much that he never would have made it the rest of the way to the infirmary. Once he was settled, the gurney was raised and began moving down the hall. He heard voices coming from behind him.

"What's wrong with him? I thought he was okay, that the Wraith fixed him." Worry and a bit of panic were creeping into McKay's voice as the pitch slowly went upward.

_Are you kidding? I mean, he looks younger than he did before._

"I don't know, Rodney, this is my first time with a patient having his life restored by a Wraith. You have to remember he was fed on multiple times and I'm sure even the restoration process traumatizes the body. He's probably exhausted and in shock. We'll take care of him, though, I promise." Beckett kept his voice even and smooth, trying to comfort his worried friend.

"I am sure the colonel will be fine and that Dr. Beckett will give him only the best care," said Teyla.

Shock was a good answer, thought John. There was nothing about this situation that wasn't shocking. He just wished the whole thing was over and everything would go back to normal. He had a bad feeling that it never would, that he could never go back to the way he was. _There are many things about Wraith that you do not know. _He closed his eyes against the dizzying movement of rolling down the corridor.

He tried to jerk away from the hand on his wrist as his eyes snapped open and he pulled up.

"Easy, lad, just getting your pulse."

Moving his gaze from the hand still firmly gripped on his wrist, he saw Beckett standing beside the gurney. They were in the infirmary. He didn't like the way his attention was zoning in and out, keeping him confused and unsteady. Beckett pushed him back down as a nurse came up on the other side and began wrapping a blood pressure cuff around his arm.

"Sorry, Doc. Guess I'm still jumpy."

"Aye, lad, I'd imagine so. Are you in any pain?" Beckett frowned as he began adjusting his stethoscope so he could listen to the colonel's heart.

"No, not really. I'm kind of sore and achy, but mostly I just feel . . . off."

"What do you mean, off?"

John rubbed his face and noticed the tremble in his hand. "Okay, it's like when I get sick. The day before I actually get sick, I don't feel right. I don't really feel bad yet, but I just don't feel like I usually do, like something's wrong. It's kind of like that." John reached up and rubbed at his chest, only to have Beckett grab his arm and pull his hand away.

"Sorry, I don't know why I keep doing that."

Beckett opened the neck of Sheppard's shirt and pulled it down where he could see. The shirt was stiff with dried blood, but little remained on the colonel's chest. If he looked closely, he could see a small slightly pink area, almost like a fresh scar, just where the feeding mark should be. Beckett lightly ran his finger across it, resulting in a sharp intake of breath from Sheppard.

"Did that hurt?" Beckett asked, eyeing Sheppard warily.

Sheppard seemed agitated and nervous, shifting around under Carson's touch and look. "I don't know . . . maybe stung a little." He pushed Beckett's hand away. "Just don't touch me there, okay?" Sheppard pulled away as far as he could get on the gurney.

"I'm sorry, colonel. I'm not trying to hurt you, just take it easy. Let me take a listen and then we'll get some blood drawn. I'll run a scan after that and then we can let you get some rest. I haven't even asked you if you're hungry."

John knew he should be hungry, but the last thing he wanted to do right now was eat. "I'm not hungry. I'd really like to just go back to my quarters and sleep."

"I'm afraid not, Colonel. As I've already explained, your body has received quite a shock and we're not sure of all the ramifications of that yet. I want you closely monitored tonight until I see how you cope. When was the last time you ate? Did Kolya feed you anything?"

John closed his eyes and sighed softly. "No, as I recall, I was the one on the menu." _Take your fill. _" Funny how that kind of kills the appetite."

Beckett patted his shoulder. "All right, but if you change your mind, all you have to do is say so and we'll get you something." Normally Beckett would be encouraging a patient who hadn't eaten in over a day to consume something, but under the circumstances, he could understand Sheppard's lack of appetite.

John nodded without opening his eyes. He was so tired, he wasn't going to argue. He just wanted to left alone to sleep.

oOo

Carson stood for a few seconds, watching Elizabeth, Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon as they sat and talked quietly in the waiting area. Their expressions were strained, as if they'd lived through some terrible event. And indeed, they had. Somehow the relief at having Sheppard back in one piece didn't erase the horror of watching him tortured almost to the point of death. He took a deep breath and began moving toward them.

"Carson," said Elizabeth as she stood, announcing his presence to the others.

Carson nodded to them. "I expect you'll be wanting an update on the colonel."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "No, Carson, we're sitting out here because they're redecorating our quarters. Of course we want to know how the colonel is."

Carson paused long enough to give Rodney a brief glare. "He's resting right now. The scans were all negative, but the blood work is showing trace amounts of a substance similar to the Wraith enzyme. It may have been part of the process by which the Wraith restored his life. He's feeling a bit sore and achy, which could be due to a variety of things, and his blood pressure's a bit elevated. We'll watch him tonight and I may want to do a few follow up tests tomorrow, but so far he's mainly tired and run down. He's slightly anemic at the moment, so we'll be watching that as well."

"Bottom line, Carson, is he okay?" asked Elizabeth.

"I can't say for sure, not yet anyway. It's too early. Let's just say that there are no major complications as yet." Beckett wasn't going to commit to anything this early in the game when he wasn't even sure what the rules were. Heck, he wasn't even sure where the field was.

Elizabeth nodded, understanding the doctor's reluctance to guarantee things he had no way to deliver on.

"Can we see him a few minutes? You know, just to make sure he's really okay?" asked Rodney hopefully.

Carson thought for a moment. "We'll tip toe in, but if he's asleep, you aren't to wake him. To say he's been traumatized by this is the understatement of the century. I have no idea why he's as lucid as he is. I'm sure I'd be a babbling idiot by now. I'd give him something to make sure he'd sleep if it wasn't for that chemical in his blood. I'm not sure how the two would react, so I'm hoping the exhaustion will help him relax and get some rest."

When they all nodded their acceptance of his rules, he led them to Sheppard's bed. Beckett had hooked him up to a cardiac monitor and he lay on his back with his eyes closed. His breaths were coming evenly, but he twitched ever so often and mumbled softly.

"Carson, why the monitor?" whispered Elizabeth.

"Just keeping a check on him. I thought I heard a bit of an arrhythmia earlier, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on it. I'm sure being fed on multiple times and even being brought back placed a strain on the heart, as well as most everything else."

Beckett checked the wires leading to the monitor, making sure everything was still hooked up properly. Sheppard stirred under the covers, a low moan coming just before more muttering as he moved his head around on the pillow.

Beckett pointed toward the door to the infirmary. "Okay, time to leave," he whispered, ushering the visiting group away from the bed. They gathered again in the waiting area.

"Have all of you received your post mission check?" Beckett asked John's team.

They all nodded in response. "We have all been cleared," said Teyla, assuring Beckett that they were all okay.

"Good. In that case, I think you all need to get some rest. The colonel needs some time to deal with everything on his own terms before he has to deal with the rest of us. God knows it's going to take us all a while to get over this one. I'm thinking we'll be keeping Kate busy for the next few weeks."

"I have a better idea," said Rodney. "I need food. I say we hit the mess hall and celebrate. Let's face it, when we left here, we didn't expect to bring much home. But we got him back and he's not even geriatric material. Heck, he looks like he's barely out of college. He'll get some much needed rest and he'll be back to annoying the heck out of me every chance he gets and playing Kirk to all the women. We can think about what happened and deal with the trauma tomorrow, but tonight, let's go toast having a young Sheppard back."

By the time Rodney finished, hesitant smiles had broken out on their faces.

"I agree with McKay," said Ronon. "We got Sheppard back in one piece and that's the most important thing."

McKay grinned. "See, even Ronon agrees. Let's go big guy." McKay turned and headed for the door with Ronon just behind him. Teyla and Elizabeth looked at Beckett and then each other, and then followed the men out the door.

oOo

Kelly stepped in the doorway to Beckett's office. She found the doctor just sitting there, staring into space. "Dr. Beckett?"

Beckett's eyes focused and he brought his attention to the nurse standing in front of him. "Aye, what is it? Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's fine. I . . . was just worried about you. You've been here all night and I know you haven't slept much in two days now. I'll call you if he has any problems."

Beckett shook his head and waved his hand at the folders scattered on his desk. "No, I wasn't staying here because of the colonel. I was trying to catch up on some paperwork."

Kelly crossed her arms and snorted. "Oh, please, you've been out there to check on him every fifteen minutes or so all night. Every time I pass by your office, you're just staring out into space. Don't even try to act like you're not worried about him." She paused a second and her expression sobered. "Was it horrible? To watch, I mean."

Beckett rubbed his eyelids with his fingers before looking back up at her, his eyes tired and sad. "I think it was one of the most horrible things I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing. I can't get the images out of my head. I can only imagine what goes through his head."

Kelly nodded, also looking sad. "He keeps moaning in his sleep and occasionally . . . I think I heard him say _no_ a few times. He's still pretty restless."

Beckett stood up and walked around the desk. "I'm checking on him again and don't say a word."

"How about if I just go with you?" She was harassing Dr. Beckett about worrying, but if the truth were told, everyone there was worrying. No one knew the consequences of what the colonel had been through.

He was moving around and making low noises like mumbling or groaning as they approached his bed. Beckett watched the monitor a moment and frowned. With a loud and sharp intake of breath, Sheppard sat straight up in bed, gasping and trembling. "Get off me!" His hand went immediately to his chest as he sucked in air.

"Colonel, you're in the infirmary and you're okay," said Carson smoothly. "I'm just going to help you lay back down," he continued, wanting to warn the man before he touched him.

"Carson?" John blinked a few times, obviously trying to get his eyes to focus.

"Aye, lad, it's me. I want you to lay back for me." With Kelly now on the other side, they each put one hand on his upper arm and one hand behind him and lowered him to the bed. "That's good."

John frowned as he looked up at Beckett. "What time is it?"

"Almost four in the morning. Why don't you try to go back to sleep."

"No!" Sheppard said quickly. He took a deep breath and visibly calmed himself. "Sorry about that, I just . . . don't want to sleep right now."

Beckett nodded to Kelly and she quietly left the two alone. The doctor pulled a stool up beside the bed and sat down. "Feel like talking?"

John lay for a few seconds, still and quiet. "I don't know. I don't even know if I can." He plucked at the covers, twisting the top of the sheet around his finger and then unraveling it again. "I've never felt pain like that. It was even worse than the iratus bug . . . and worse than turning into one. I wasn't sure I could hold out. It was like I could feel it ripping every year it took from my body." He shuddered involuntarily, twisting his finger up in the sheet so tight that Beckett wondered if he'd cut off the circulation.

"But you did make it, colonel, and you're here now. It's over."

_The gift of life is reserved only for our most devout worshippers . . . and our brothers._

John looked up at Beckett, his eyes sad and dull. "Is it?"

"Aye, it is. I admit, we all have some pieces to put back in place, but we'll do it. You have to believe that."

John looked up into Beckett's bloodshot, worried eyes. He took in the dark circles and the lines of stress. "How much did you see?"

Beckett dropped his gaze, unable to meet John's. "Enough. Elizabeth saw all three feedings. The rest of us missed the second time because we thought we were rescuing you, but it turned out to be a dead end. I've never felt so helpless in all my life."

John nodded, having been in situations where he was helpless to help his friends or protect them from pain. "I knew what the stakes were. I knew you couldn't hand over Ladon. Elizabeth knows that, right?" He was suddenly acutely aware of the guilt Elizabeth probably felt and he wished he'd been thinking clearly enough to reassure her earlier. He began pushing the covers aside and trying to sit up.

Carson stood up and put his hand firmly on Sheppard's arm. "Colonel, where do you think you're going?"

"I have to see Elizabeth. I have to make sure she understands that she did the right thing."

"Lad, I just told you it's four o'clock in the morning. She's asleep in her quarters; you can tell her later, at a decent hour." Carson was relieved when his words sunk in and Sheppard stopped trying to get up.

"Oh . . . yeah, you did say that." Sheppard seemed confused for a few seconds, but let Carson tuck him back into bed. "I can't seem to get my brain firing on all cylinders. I'm sorry about that."

Carson gave a small laugh. "I have to tell you, I think you're doing amazingly well under the circumstances. You aren't having any pain, are you?"

"No . . . not really pain. Still achy and . . . "

"And what?" asked Beckett, watching Sheppard in concern.

"I don't know . . . I just feel . . . not so good. Kind of like I'm getting the flu or something." Sheppard rubbed his hand across his face, then looked up at Beckett. "I'm sorry you guys had to see that."

Beckett let out a long slow breath. "Not your fault. I'm just sorry you had to go through it. I wish we could have done more, or found you faster."

"It's okay, Carson, I understand. I told him you'd come. He didn't think you would, but I had faith."

"Who didn't think we'd come? Kolya?"

"No," said Sheppard, his eyes a little unfocused. "The Wraith."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

The Gift of Life - Chapter 2

Carson was lost in his own thoughts for several minutes. He was trying to imagine John Sheppard having a conversation with a Wraith and forming an alliance with the creature in order to escape. An alliance with the same being who had tortured and weakened him by feeding on him three times. It was mind-boggling. If it had been a movie, he would have scoffed at how unbelievable it was. Apparently truth really was stranger than fiction. He was suddenly aware that the sounds of shifting movement had become more intense in the last few moments and glanced at Sheppard just as he sat up in bed.

"Colonel, what are you doing?" Beckett moved in closer to put a restraining hand on his patient's shoulder. The colonel had a bit of a wild look in his eyes, like he was considering bolting from the infirmary. His increased breathing and heart rate were getting Carson concerned.

"I have to get out of here," Sheppard said, his voice echoing with barely restrained panic as he began pulling at the covers.

"No, colonel, I need you to stay here. What's the problem, lad?"

The concern in the doctor's voice seemed to get through the thought-muddling fog that had taken up residence in John's head. "Walls are closing in . . . it's dark and confining, like the cell. I just need to go outside for a while . . . maybe til it's light again. I can't stay here."

Carson wasn't sure he'd ever really heard pleading in Sheppard's voice, but it was there now. His patient's expression looked like a cross between fear and pain, and his hand kept nervously pulling at the blankets. Carson figured Sheppard was on the verge of a full blown panic attack.

"Just stay put, colonel, and let me get a wheelchair and get you unhooked from the monitor. I'll take you out on the balcony for a bit." They'd be close to the infirmary if anything happened and Carson would be with him. He knew beyond a doubt that Sheppard needed this and, while he couldn't help the man when Kolya had him, he could help him now.

Fifteen minutes later, Beckett wheeled Sheppard, wrapped in a blanket, onto the nearest balcony. He parked the wheelchair in front of a bench that had been set up because of the area's frequent use and sat down beside it. The two men sat looking at the full moon and night sky of bright stars for several minutes without speaking. Beckett could see Sheppard's shoulders beginning to relax and his breathing slow as they sat in the cool night air.

"Thanks, Doc," John said softly. "I just . . . I had to get out of there."

"It's okay, colonel. I'm glad I could actually help you this time."

John looked over to Beckett's face and recognized the guilt that was there. "Doc, you did what you could do. You never gave up on me and that's what's important. Let it go."

Beckett nodded reluctantly. "I know, but I can't help worrying about it, wondering if there was some way we could have reached you sooner." He rubbed his face, the lack of sleep finally beginning to catch up with him. "I'm not sure how I'll ever be able to get that image out of my head, or the pain of knowing we couldn't get to you to help you. I thought . . . I thought we'd lost you this time, colonel." He brought his head up to meet Sheppard's eyes.

"I did too for a while." Sheppard looked back out to the ocean, making a snap decision that he owed this man the truth. He hadn't intended to ever tell any of them about the fourth feeding in the woods. He figured they'd seen enough to fuel their nightmares without him piling on more. But Beckett had been honest with him and he knew the doctor would consider this important, so he swallowed his natural urge to keep silent and forged ahead. "Doc, there's something I should probably tell you."

Beckett was on edge immediately, sensing from Sheppard's tone that he wasn't going to be pleased. "What is it?" He didn't want to say too much and spook the usually tight-lipped colonel.

John continued to look out at the waves rolling in. "After the Wraith and I escaped, we spent the night in the woods." He chuckled, a small humorless laugh. "Turns out neither one of us had a clue which way the gate was. The Wraith had been shot several times and was weak, unable to heal himself, and . . . I was just old and tired." His voice cracked a little as he spoke of his own weakness. "The Genii caught up to us the next morning and neither of us were in any shape to fight, so he . . . fed off me one more time."

Carson gasped, staring at the Colonel's features, pale and mask-like in the moonlight. A brief grimace was quickly replaced with a neutral expression as he continued.

"I knew I was dead, but at least it wasn't in Kolya's hands. But he stopped . . . just before finishing me. He used the strength he gained to fight off the soldiers and then he came back, I assumed to finish me off. He just told me there was a lot I didn't know about the Wraith, and then he . . . " John paused, bringing his hand up to cover the now healed feeding mark. "He restored me." John shuddered visibly in the dim light of the night time sky.

Carson had finally managed to tuck his racing heart back into his chest. "If you don't want to answer this, I understand, but I have to ask. How did it feel? Did you realize what he was doing?"

John closed his eyes and for a moment, Carson wished he could take the question back. He opened his mouth to do just that, when Sheppard answered. "It hurt almost as bad as the feeding. I thought that was what he was doing, until I finally realized I was starting to feel stronger instead of weaker." John shivered, pulling the blanket around him more tightly. "Then Ronon pulled him off me and you know the rest." Sheppard finally opened his eyes and glanced over at Beckett. "I don't know if it matters, but I thought maybe you should know."

Beckett nodded. "I'm glad you told me. I don't know if it will matter either, but I need to know everything in case it does. Are you getting cold?"

"No, I'm fine. I want to stay a little longer. I need to be out here, in the open." John was beginning to understand the Wraith's appreciation for the night sky after their escape. He couldn't even begin to imagine being held prisoner there for years on end.

Beckett didn't really like it, but he thought he understood to a degree. "All right, but let me know if you get cold or feel poorly."

Sheppard relaxed back into the chair. "Okay. Thanks, Doc." Leaning his head back against the pillow stuffed behind his shoulders, he stared at the reflection of the moonlight on the rolling waves below and thought about how glad he was to be alive.

oOo

Elizabeth pulled up to lean on her elbow as she punched her pillow with the other hand. Lying back down, she twisted and squirmed, wrapping the blanket around her legs until her movement was restricted. She sighed heavily, staring at the ceiling for several minutes before giving up. Twisting around once again, she looked at the clock. It was only five, but she knew she wasn't going back to sleep any time soon. She relaxed back into the bed, pulling the blanket up around her and thinking about their celebration last night.

Celebration was a bit of a misnomer. While they were all genuinely glad to have John back, none of them could get past the images of him being fed on by the Wraith or the resulting effects on his body. So they attempted to make light and toast his return with hollow expressions of barely repressed shock. She had no doubt that Kate's appointment book would be full for the upcoming future. Even some of the control room personnel had seemed shell shocked after watching Sheppard tortured.

Elizabeth figured she'd make an appointment right after checking on her second in command. She was pretty sure she hadn't slept more than a couple of hours. Every time she had finally made her heart slow enough that she could drift off, she awoke in the throes of a nightmare, reliving John's torture again and again. _Then you are effectively ending his life. _She couldn't even begin to imagine what he was going through and that thought made her shudder.

"Can't lay here any more," she said out loud as she threw the covers back and swung her feet over the edge of the bed. She'd get dressed and head to the mess for some coffee and then hit the infirmary. Happy to have a plan, she stood and headed for the shower.

By six, Elizabeth had two steaming cups of coffee and was heading for the infirmary. As long as she was disturbing Carson at this early hour, she figured she could bring him coffee. She stopped and backed up a step, leaning over to peer out onto the balcony just down the hall from her destination. "Well, I'll be." Carson sat slumped over on the bench, apparently sleeping in the gray early morning light. A figure wrapped in a blanked sat in a wheelchair beside him, but the dark spiked hair could only belong to one person. Smiling, she opened the door and walked through.

Elizabeth stood watching Carson sleep for several seconds. He looked exhausted, lines around his eyes more pronounced than usual along with the dark shadows under his closed eyes.

"You're up early," a familiar voice said softly from the wheelchair. Smiling, she set Carson's coffee down on the bench beside him before moving around so she could see John. Dark eyes glanced up at her, eyes darker than she remembered them ever being.

"What are you two doing out here at dawn? And how on Earth did you get Carson to willingly bring you?" She couldn't help but notice how tired and pale he was. Undoubtedly he hadn't slept much either, which was no surprise.

"I just needed to get out of there for a while. Walls closing in and all." John shifted his gaze from the water up to Elizabeth. "I'm glad you're here. There's something I need to tell you."

Elizabeth perched on the edge of the bench opposite Carson so she'd be closer to eye level with John. She frowned at the concern she saw in his face. "What is it?"

"You did the right thing and I don't want you to ever doubt that. I didn't want you to give in to Kolya, no matter what he did. You can't give in to men like him . . . ever."

Elizabeth sighed and looked down into her coffee. "Thanks. I knew that was what you wanted, but . . . that was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I just kept thinking I could end it for you and get you back home if I'd just give him Ladon."

One hand snaked out from under the blanket to grip Elizabeth's and she was startled at how cold it was, in spite of it coming from under the covers. She looked up to find him looking at her intently, his focused gaze boring into her. "You did the right thing. If you had made the trade . . . I don't think I could have ever forgiven you."

Elizabeth let out a long, shuddering breath. "I know," she whispered. "I was pretty sure that was how strongly you'd feel about it. I think that was what gave me the strength to keep telling Kolya no."

John squeezed her hand. "No guilt. You did what needed to be done and everything worked out fine. I'm here and I'm . . . not old." He turned his face back out to the ocean as a distant expression took over. "I wish I could take away what you saw."

"It's all right. It's going to take some time, for all of us I think, but we'll get past this. I'm just glad we have you back." She smiled as she gripped his hand. "Exactly when are you going to stop scaring me to death, John Sheppard?"

"I'm working on it," he said sheepishly.

"Well, you need to work harder, lad," said Carson as he sat up straighter and rubbed his eyes. He blinked heavily in the early morning light and looked over at John. "You should have woke me up. We need to get you back to the infirmary."

"I didn't want to wake you; I needed to be out here."

Carson looked at his patient and then slowly nodded. "All right, then. But we still need to get back inside." He stood up and put his hands on the wheelchair handles, looking down as he noticed the cup of coffee. "Elizabeth, you forgot your coffee."

Elizabeth held her cup up for him to see. "Actually, I brought that to you as a peace offering for coming in so early. I'll carry it to the infirmary for you."

Carson nodded in appreciation. "Nice bribe. Don't suppose it's still hot?"

Elizabeth frowned as she picked up the cup. "Lukewarm?"

Carson sighed as he began pushing Sheppard forward. "Well, I suppose it's the thought that counts."

They were back in the infirmary just a few minutes later. Carson parked the chair beside Sheppard's bed. "Let me help you get moved," he offered, taking the pilot by the arm. Sheppard let the doctor help him to his feet, where he hunched over a bit and swayed.

"Colonel?" Carson moved in closer, sliding his arm around the man's waist. "Colonel, are you all right?"

John's hand had moved to his chest and he had gone even paler as Beckett tried to move him over to the bed. By the time the doctor helped him sit on the edge of the bed, he seemed to have caught his breath and a little color was coming back into his cheeks.

"Colonel, how are you doing?"

"I'm . . . okay," he said softly, looking exhausted from the effort. A nurse came up and began helping Beckett get Sheppard settled back in the bed. When they finished, he lay with his eyes tightly closed for a few seconds.

Beckett finished taking Sheppard's pulse and eased his arm down to the bed. "Colonel, I need you to talk to me. What's going on? Do you feel worse than you did earlier?"

Sheppard looked up at Beckett through squinted eyes. "Kind of hurts now, Doc, like something's wrong."

Carson frowned even more. "What hurts?"

John sighed. "Most everything . . . it's gone from a tired ache to a painful one, like I've got the flu and been beaten up, all at the same time."

Beckett looked up at the nurse still standing on the other side of the bed. "I want a new round of blood tests and then let's run another scan." The nurse nodded and left to carry out the instructions.

"Carson, what's going on?" asked Elizabeth, beginning to worry.

Carson turned to face her. "I'm not sure. It's probably just the stress and strain of so many feedings coupled with exhaustion and a lack of food and water. We're going to check it out, though. I need you to go about your day for a bit while we get this sorted out and I'll call you later."

Elizabeth arched one eyebrow. "Are you throwing me out?"

"How perceptive of you. Now get along and let me get to work."

She looked down at John, now lying on his side and shuffling uncomfortably under the covers. "I'll be back to check on you later, John. Just do what Carson says and he'll have you back on your feet in no time."

"'Kay," John groaned out as he pulled his knees up closer to his chest.

Elizabeth glanced at Carson one more time and he took her by the shoulders, spun her around, and gave her a gentle push toward the door. She couldn't help the sinking feeling she had as she walked through the doors to the infirmary.

oOo

Weird sounds and weird sensations. Weird, yet vaguely familiar. Not to mention uncomfortable. John allowed his eyes to open a slit, adjusting to the light before he went any farther. When had he fallen asleep? He remembered the nurse taking more blood and then Carson running another scan. He must have dozed off after that because the last thing he could recall was staring at the ceiling and wishing he didn't feel like his insides were crushing in on themselves.

"Colonel, I'll get Dr. Beckett." John saw the nurse about the time she hurried away across the infirmary. His mind seemed to operating in a fog and it took him a few seconds to realize that she must have been sitting in the chair beside the bed, keeping watch over him.

He brought his hand up to rub his face and saw the IV about the same time he felt the pull on the back of his hand. Looking around, he took inventory and decided just about every monitor known to modern man was now attached to him. Heart monitor, blood pressure cuff, and the little finger clip that Beckett had explained to him on numerous occasions. IV and . . . was that a transfusion? Why were they giving him blood? He tried to sit up and check for some injury he wasn't aware of, but the pull of the all the monitors and tubes forced him back. Oh good, and a catheter. Exactly how long had he been asleep? It didn't feel like that long.

John could hear the sounds of the monitor speeding up to match the firm thumping he felt in his chest. He was really starting to worry and he wished Carson would hurry up and come explain just what the heck was going on. Aware of his increased rate of breathing, he tried unsuccessfully to slow it down. It was almost like he couldn't suck in enough air and it was making him feel lightheaded.

Carson appeared a few seconds later, his expression not exactly making Sheppard feel any more at ease. "Colonel, I'm glad you're awake. Try to relax a bit, breath slow and deep for me. Let me have a look at you and then we need to talk."

John returned the doctor's unhappy look as he made the effort to control his breathing. "I'm not going to like this talk, am I?"

Carson went about putting the earpieces of the stethoscope in place and positioning the end so he could listen to his patient's heart.

"How long have I been out of it for you to have all this equipment hooked up?" John asked impatiently.

"Shh, in a minute." Carson pressed the instrument firmly to Sheppard's chest to make his point.

Suddenly there was a momentary stutter in his chest accompanied by a pressure, like someone pushing on him. He wasn't sure if it felt like his heart double-timed it for a few seconds or skipped a few beats or both. It wasn't painful, but it was uncomfortable and scary. It passed almost before he could register what it was and left a cold fear in its wake. He _knew_ that had never happened before.

"Doc?" John was a little dismayed at how scared and childlike his voice sounded. "What was that?"

Beckett continued to listen for a few more seconds, but the event did not repeat itself. When he straightened and removed the stethoscope from his ears, Sheppard noticed that, although the doctor did look worried, he didn't look surprised.

"That was one of the valves in your heart not closing properly. That's one of the reasons I need to talk to you."

"_One_ of the reasons? If you're trying to scare me Doc, it's working." _Okay, John, get a grip. _He kept reminding himself that he'd just stoically survived being fed on by a Wraith multiple times and now, when he was safe in Atlantis, was not the time to panic. Of course, how safe were you if your heart wasn't working properly and that was just one of your problems? He was beginning to get the feeling he was royally screwed.

Beckett pulled a chair over and sat down, an act that didn't calm the colonel at all. "I've been looking over your test results and there are some problems."

John held up his hand. "Okay, what about all this gift of life stuff? I thought I was okay, you know, restored back to my former health and all that."

Carson sighed. "As I told you earlier, the repeated feedings and even the gift of life, as you call it –"

"Hey, his words, not mine."

Carson nodded. "Well, anyway, all of that took a heavy toll on your body. Each and every time was a major shock to your system. If he had just fed once and then restored you, I suspect you'd feel a bit poorly for a day or two and then bounce right back. But he fed four times and drained you to almost no life at all. I believe the repeated shocks are what's got your body on overload right now. Colonel, there's no easy way to say this, but you're showing early signs of multiple organ dysfunction syndrome. The catheter is to monitor urine output, which is down from normal. You're hyperglycemic and your breathing is off, making you hypocapnic."

"Whoa, slow down, Doc. I have no idea what you're talking about. Keep it simple for me."

Beckett let a small smile creep across his face. "Sorry, colonel. Your blood sugar is too high and the carbon dioxide levels in your blood are too low, which is throwing off the pH. It's mild at the present, but I'm anticipating it could get worse and that can cause even more problems. Liver functions are down as well and you're anemic, which is the reason for the transfusion. Your red blood count was dangerously low. I've been seeing a slight, periodic arrhythmia in your heart and now your mitral valve occasionally doesn't close properly."

Sheppard took a deep, steadying breath and let it out slowly. "So, what does all this mean, because it's not sounding too good from where I'm sitting."

Beckett's grim expression didn't change as he held eye contact with the colonel. "I'm not sure. My hope is that if we support your body as much as possible, that time and rest will give your body a chance to recover from the shock and heal. We're already giving you chemical support for some of the imbalances that have begun to present themselves, hence the IV."

Sheppard stared intensely at the doctor, asking what he didn't want to know the answer to. "And if that's not enough?"

Beckett finally lost his resolve, letting his gaze drop to the floor. "There's nothing else we can do at this point. If it's not enough . . . "

"How long?" asked Sheppard. After several moments of unanswered silence, Sheppard prodded the doctor again. "If the support thing doesn't work, how long will I have?"

"Hard to say," the doctor said quietly, his soft voice cracking just a little. "Depending on how fast the deterioration is, maybe a few days."

John nodded. "Thanks, Doc. I'll need to take care of a few things . . . you know, just in case. Does Elizabeth know?" He knew he probably sounded strange. He felt numb, almost like a spectator watching a show unfold on TV. None of this seemed real.

"No, I wanted to talk to you first." Beckett hated this, being back to feeling helpless while a friend faced death . . . again. He had to be positive about this, for Sheppard as well as for his team. It was too soon for any of them to deal with this. They were all still reeling from the scenes of torture and pain dealt out by Kolya. "Colonel, there's every reason to believe that you'll recover in time, as long as we care for you along the way."

John smiled at Carson, trying to exude the optimism and confidence he felt was needed at this moment. "I know, and you're probably right. I just like to be prepared. My motto is that the more prepared you are for disaster, the less likely it is to happen. Kind of a warped Murphy's Law thing."

Beckett nodded. "How's the pain you were feeling earlier? Your blood work was free from any foreign substances, so I can get you something if you need it."

"I'm good for now." He was hurting, but it wasn't bad yet and he needed to think clearly. In a weird way, he was grateful for the distraction. He could focus on what he needed to tell Lorne and Elizabeth and his team, not leaving much time for obsessing about what Kolya had done to him. He would regret not getting to hunt him down and kill the Genii himself, but it wasn't to be.

"If you'll be okay for a bit, I need to go have a talk with Elizabeth."

John nodded. "I'm fine. Could I get my laptop? You know, to distract me?"

Carson knew exactly what Sheppard wanted the laptop for, but he had no intention of denying the man. "Of course. I'll send someone after it. Let the nurses know if you need anything and, just to warn you, they'll be keeping a close eye on the monitors and your vitals, so be good."

John nodded. "Yes, sir."

"And we'll be needing another round of blood this afternoon so I can tell how things are progressing."

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "You know if you keep bleeding me like this, you'll have to keep a transfusion going just to keep me from passing out from blood loss."

Beckett gave a small, tight smile. "As long as there's no fainting involved." They looked at each other a few seconds, each playing the game of trying to keep hope alive and spirits up. Beckett could only think about how they were failing miserably as he headed to Elizabeth's office to tell her she might be losing her second in command all over again. And there still wasn't anything they could do about it.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

The Gift of Life - Chapter 3

Elizabeth looked up at the sound of someone entering the door to her office. Carson Beckett took one step in and then paused, waiting for the official invitation to enter.

"Carson, come in. I assume you're here to update me on John."

Beckett sat down in the chair across the desk from Elizabeth. "Aye, I am."

Elizabeth took in the despair in his face and the slump of the shoulders and she felt her heart drop. "This isn't good news, is it?"

Beckett shook his head. "No, I'm afraid not."

Elizabeth took a deep breath in an attempt to fortify herself against what was to come. After the events of the last couple of days, she wasn't sure if she could handle any more tragedy. She knew it had been just as hard on John's team, the frustration of seeing Kolya torture him with no way to help. If bad news was coming, they deserved to hear it with her, not after the fact. "Maybe I should call his team to hear as well."

Beckett scratched the side of his head thoughtfully, his thoughts running parallel to Elizabeth's. "Perhaps you should. We owe them that."

Elizabeth touched her radio. "Rodney, it's Elizabeth. Where are you?"

"_We're on our way to the infirmary."_

"Who's we? Are Ronon and Teyla with you?"

"_Yes, they are. Look, I know Carson said we needed to back off and give Sheppard some time to deal, but we really need to see him, even if it's just for a few minutes. We won't stay long, unless he wants us to."_

Elizabeth flashed a small smile at Carson, appreciating their concern for their team leader . . . their friend. "I need you to come to my office first. Carson is here with some information about John."

McKay stopped walking, almost causing Teyla to crash into his back. _"Is this good information or bad information, because if it's bad, I don't want to know."_

There was a pause before Elizabeth answered, her voice sounding soft on the radio. "Just come, Rodney."

McKay stood in the middle of the hall for several seconds, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. _"We're on our way."_

Twenty minutes later, they were gathered in Elizabeth's office, with Ronon leaning against the wall and the others sitting in chairs. The instant McKay was settled, he turned to Beckett. "All right, Carson, we're all here now. What's going on with Sheppard?"

Beckett looked around the room, pausing to glance at each person. "I'm afraid the colonel's condition it deteriorating. Some of his organs are beginning to fail in response to the shock of multiple feedings. We're doing what we can to support him and make him comfortable, but there is a chance that it won't be enough."

He knew by the surprise that registered on their faces that they had not been expecting anything like what he'd just told them. After the initial shock passed, Ronon just looked angry and Teyla looked as though she'd lost her best friend. Elizabeth had gone white as a sheet. Rodney just opened and closed his mouth several times like a fish gasping for its last breath.

"He's . . . He can't die after what happened. That is so not fair. What about the gift of life thing? How can he be given his life back, only to turn around and die when he gets back to Atlantis? Do something, Carson, you can't let this happen." Rodney sputtered as he spoke, desperation and panic in his voice.

"I'm doing everything I can, I promise you that," answered the doctor earnestly. "There's every chance that he'll recover and bounce right back. But I thought . . . in light of the chance that he might not bounce back, that you should know. We won't know anything either way for a while, probably a day or two."

"We should be strong for the colonel," said Teyla fervently. "He has been through much and we cannot be the cause of more suffering on his part. We must be positive and let him know that we are with him, that he is not alone."

"I think that's good advice," said Beckett. "He's got to keep a positive attitude if he's to have any hope of recovering. We can't have him giving up on himself, so be as positive as you can be without being too artificial with it." Beckett looked right at Rodney. "He needs to believe that he will recover and that we believe that."

Rodney frowned. "So what are you looking at me for? I can exude sincere optimism when I want to." He looked at the expressions on the faces around him. "Well . . . I can," he said indignantly."

oOo

John rubbed his face, exhaustion permeating every part of his aching body. Sighing in frustration at his weakness, he saved the note for Lorne he was working on and closed the window. Shifting to his right, he lifted the laptop up and toward the bedside table with shaking hands. Halfway there, a nurse appeared and helped him the rest of the way.

"Thanks," he said sheepishly, embarrassed at the trouble he'd been having with such a simple task.

"No problem, Colonel. You just need to let us know when you need help. How are you feeling? Any pain?" The short, blonde nurse wrapped her hand around his wrist and began taking his pulse.

"I'm okay."

The nurse finished and nodded and then checked his IV, monitors, and the bag he knew hung at the end of the bed. She didn't look happy at the last check and he figured that probably wasn't good for him. Next she moved to almost empty bag of blood, studying it carefully.

"Looks like your transfusion is finished. Dr. Beckett said he thought the one unit should be enough, so I'll just get rid of this for you." Sheppard perked up a little as she got rid of the whole thing, freeing up his right arm to move around some. He watched as she applied the band-aid to the small puncture mark and hoped he wouldn't need another. When she finished, she fussed with his covers a few seconds.

"Do you need anything?"

Sheppard shook his head. _Nothing you can get me. _"No, I'm good."

The nurse studied him intently, as if she was trying to crank up her x-ray vision to look deep inside him. Beckett must have had a talk with the relatively new nurse about his tendency to say he was okay all the time. "All right," she said, still not looking convinced. "Be sure to call me if you need anything."

John nodded cooperatively. "I will, I promise." He even used his best "I'm innocent and behaving" expression.

"Yeah, sure you will." The nurse turned and left and Sheppard breathed out a sigh of relief. She had been making him nervous, almost as nervous as Beckett himself.

John twisted around and tried to get comfortable without pulling anything loose. He finally squirmed himself into the pillow enough to be marginally happy with the position and leaned his head back. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on relaxing so he could get some much needed sleep. Within minutes, the face of the Wraith popped into his head, standing over him as he slammed his hand into the colonel's chest. Sharp pain instantly pierced his chest, radiating out into the rest of his body. John's eyes snapped open as he gasped for breath and grabbed his chest in near panic.

"Colonel, are you all right?"

John focused his eyes on the pretty young nurse that had just checked on him minutes ago, her brow furrowed in worry. She reached out and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I can call Dr. Beckett, if you like," she offered.

John sighed as he forced himself to pull his hand away from his chest and slow his breathing. "No, I'm fine. Just . . . bad memories."

The nurse nodded sympathetically. "Can I get you anything? I can stay a while if you'd like."

John smiled, appreciating the woman's genuine concern. "No, I'm good. I'm apparently just not tired enough to be closing my eyes yet."

"Okay. Let me know if you change your mind."

John watched as she went back to her duties and realized he'd never even asked what her name was. He started to close his eyes again, but then quickly opened them as he remembered what had happened before. He had to get over this. What was wrong with him? He'd been tortured before and he'd moved past it. He would move past this.

And yet he'd never felt pain like when the Wraith had fed. He was pretty sure he'd never even imagined pain like that. His stomach had clenched in fear when he'd seen the Wraith enter the room and John was pretty sure he'd felt every single year that was ripped from him. He shuddered and brought his hand back up to his chest, reliving the pain that the Wraith had brought. He wished the gift of life had included a way to deal with the physical and emotional trauma of living through the nightmare.

Of course the good thing was that he was now more sure than ever that he had done the right thing by shooting Sumner. He now understood the agony the man was suffering as his life was stripped away. There would have been no recovery from him, no one to restore his life. There was no way to stop the feeding from John's perch above the room. Shooting the man was the only way to save him from the pain and to keep the Wraith from gaining more strength from him. He knew without a doubt he would have wanted someone to do the same for him in that situation. He shivered, seeing the suffering in his commanding officer's face as if it had just happened. John pulled the covers up, suddenly cold.

He'd been fed on by a Wraith. Four years ago, he hadn't even known about the stargate and now he' almost been sucked dry by a bug, been very close to being turned into a bug, had his body possessed by someone else, and now he'd been fed on by a Wraith. He now knew what being old felt like and he didn't like it. He chuckled, thinking he liked the alternative even less. His mind was reeling from the horrific things he'd seen and had done to him, and yet he thought maybe this topped them all. He hoped he never had to get on a hive ship again, because it would be very hard to walk past the stored human food and not try to rescue them all. He couldn't imagine leaving anyone to that fate, knowing what it would be like for them.

And what of the Wraith? His Wraith. What if he met him again? _All bets are off._ That was the deal they had made. Could he stick to that? Could he kill the being that had tortured him and stripped away most of his life, only to give it back? John ran his hand nervously through his hair. Realistically, he wouldn't know until he was faced with that situation. Maybe he'd get lucky and never see him again.

_. . . and our brothers._

John allowed his eyes to close as he huddled deeper into the bed and under the blanket, another chill running through his aching body. He wasn't aware that his mind had drifted until a touch on his arm made him jump.

"Colonel? I'm sorry lad, I didn't mean to startle you." Beckett looked down on his patient, feeling the tremors vibrate through his body. "Are you cold?"

John felt a little like something was caught in his throat, so he just nodded. He looked past Beckett to see Elizabeth and his team hovering just a few feet away. They seemed to be waiting for permission to come closer. He didn't notice Beckett had stepped away until the doctor returned with a blanket and spread it over John's shivering form.

"You should have called the nurse. She would have been happy to fetch another blanket for you."

"It's okay, I didn't get cold til just a minute ago. I take it you've been talking to my team."

Beckett nodded sadly. "Aye, I knew they'd want to know the truth. But I'll tell you what I told them. You've got just as good a chance of recovering from this as for it continuing to deteriorate, and I want you to concentrate on getting better. Attitude can have a lot to do with a person's recovery."

"I know, Doc. Look, I told the Wraith I was getting out of Kolya's prison alive and I did. I certainly don't intend to just lie down and die now that I'm back in Atlantis."

Carson smiled and gripped John's shoulder firmly. "That's the way, Colonel. I didn't think I'd have to worry about you having a negative attitude."

John smiled back up at the doctor, trying for more confidence that he really felt. "Just be glad you're not having this conversation with McKay."

"I heard that!" said McKay, who had edged up to within a couple of feet of the bed. "Surely you aren't implying that I have a negative attitude."

John smirked up at the scientist. "Sorry, Rodney. It has something to do with your rather popular, _I'm going to die a hideous death_ speech."

Rodney crossed his arm and frowned. "That so isn't funny or accurate. I kill a mouse for you and this is the thanks I get."

John frowned in confusion. "You did _what_?"

By now, the others had taken Rodney's cue and moved in closer as well. Beckett turned from watching them back to Sheppard. "I guess you see you have guests, Colonel? Do you feel up to entertaining, or should I send them on their way?"

John grimaced as he shifted in bed and looked up at Beckett. "No, let them stay. I think my mind needs something to do besides replaying my little adventure over and over. I'm starting to freak myself out a little."

"How's the pain?" asked Beckett, his eyes studying the readings on the various monitors.

"Not bad, holding pretty steady." He felt a slight tightening of his chest and his heart felt strange for a few seconds as his ears registered as stuttering beat on the monitor. Then the pressure eased and the monitor returned to its regular cadence.

Beckett immediately got his stethoscope out and put it to Sheppard's chest. "That was the slight arrhythmia I've been seeing, colonel. Have you felt that before?"

"No," John said softly, noting the frightened expressions on his visitors' faces. "That's a new one."

Beckett straightened after several seconds. "I've heard it twice before, but you were asleep both times. I think it will correct itself in time. As long as it doesn't happen more often and the events don't get more prolonged, it shouldn't be a problem."

John nodded slightly, but his eyes still held a hint of fear. "Well, nothing else is working right, so why should my heart?"

Rodney gave a loud humph. "I still say this gift of life stuff should come with a warning label or a disclaimer or something. May not work in cases of multiple feedings. Not the responsibility of the gift-giver. I think you should get a refund." As soon as he said it, the absurdity of his comment hit him like a brick between the eyes. For a moment he was terrified that he'd made things worse when Carson glared at him with the mother of all killer expressions.

John laughed. He suddenly had this mental image of himself standing in front of the Wraith demanding a refund for the faulty gift of life and he dissolved in a fit of laughter that had him gasping for breath. The break in the tension was enough to cause the rest of them to join his hysterics within seconds. Pretty soon they were all wiping their eyes and Rodney was so relieved he almost fainted.

John looked up at Rodney when he had finally composed himself enough to speak again. "Rodney . . . I can always depend on you to say the weirdest things. Thanks."

oOo

Beckett looked at his watch and decided it was time to check on Sheppard again. It was almost 7:00pm and Sheppard's team had been taking turns sitting with him since their visit earlier that day. They had decided that someone needed to be there at all times in case Sheppard needed anything. Beckett knew they were all thinking he might not be with them much longer and they wanted to maximize their time with him. Sheppard seemed to appreciate the company and Beckett was glad to have eyes watching him at all times, in case he suddenly took a downward turn.

He found Rodney sitting in the chair beside Sheppard's bed, his laptop open on his lap but his eyes glued to the colonel's sleeping form. A slight film of sweat covered the sick man's face and he seemed paler than he had earlier. He shifted restlessly and occasionally moaned or mumbled incoherently. Lines of tension and pain creased his face and made him look even more uncomfortable.

"Rodney," Carson said softly.

Rodney looked up at Beckett, his eyes heavy with worry. "He's getting worse, isn't he?" His whispered voice sounded rough and uneasy.

Beckett nodded sadly. "Aye, I just got his latest blood work back. Kidney and liver functions are both down from earlier." Beckett nodded his head toward one of the monitors. "His oxygen levels have dropped off a bit too. Not enough to be problematic as yet, but I'm afraid they'll continue to drop until they are."

"Isn't there anything else we can do?" asked Rodney, desperation in his voice.

Beckett felt a heaviness in his chest that seemed to want to drag him down. He had just spent the last several hours reading and studying in hopes he could find something else they _could_ do, anything that could increase Sheppard's chances of surviving. "No, Rodney . . . we're already doing everything that can be done. It's up to the colonel now."

Rodney looked back at Sheppard, just watching silently for several minutes as the colonel seemed to struggle just to sleep. "He's going to die, isn't he?"

Beckett felt a little like someone had just punched him. He wanted so badly so give a resounding NO to that statement, but he knew he couldn't. "I don't know, Rodney. I wish I did, but I don't. He still has a chance at turning this around."

"I'm guessing the longer this goes on, the less his chances for recovery." Rodney waited quietly for several seconds, watching his friend as he was beginning to thrash around more in his restless slumber.

"That's right."

Sheppard suddenly cried out and grabbed his chest, gasping for air as his eyes opened and looked around wildly. McKay was on his feet immediately, grabbing Sheppard's hand as Beckett moved around to the other side of the bed.

"Colonel, it's Rodney. You're here in Atlantis with me and Carson. No Wraith or Kolya, we're safe and sound here in the infirmary." Rodney maintained eye contact with Sheppard until he could tell the man had focused on his face and was showing signs of recognition. "It's okay, colonel, we're all okay."

Rodney and Carson eased their hold on Sheppard and he pulled his arms away, rubbing his face with one hand. "Okay . . . bad dream."

Beckett watched Sheppard's pained expression for a few seconds and the way he was breathing through clenched teeth. "Colonel, are you in pain?"

"Not bad," said Sheppard. "Just . . . a little nauseous."

Beckett nodded, but didn't seem surprised. "I'll get you something for that. You sure the pain isn't too bad?"

"No, I'm good. Just feel sick."

Beckett looked up at Rodney. "Stay with him and I'll be right back."

McKay nodded. "I'm not going anywhere." He looked back down at Sheppard and breathed out deeply. "Hang in there, colonel. We didn't come after you just to have you check out on us now."

John gave a small smile. "It's okay, Rodney. Gotta stick around and annoy you."

"Yeah, cause no one does that better than you."

oOo

_Rodney woke to the sound of a blaring alarm. He rubbed his eyes and looked blankly at the flat line on the monitor before realizing what it actually represented. Jumping to his feet, he was shoved out of the way by the group of medical personnel that converged around Sheppard's bed. He stood several feet back, his heart thumping wildly in his chest as Beckett called out order after order, but the alarm continued to blare. Eventually, he heard the sound of the defibrillator being discharged and Carson calling to try again. He had no idea how long that went on or how many times they tried, but finally the frantic pace slowed and a heavy silence fell over the group. As people began to move slowly away, he saw Beckett pull the sheet up over Sheppard's head. Looking at Rodney, he shook his head sadly._

"Rodney, wake up lad."

Rodney blinked heavily and sat up. His neck and back screamed at him for the sad position he'd gone to sleep in. He looked up to see Carson leaned over him and Teyla standing beside him. Rodney turned to the monitor right beside his chair and didn't exhale until he saw the steady rhythm displayed on it. "Guess I went to sleep. What time is it?"

"It's almost six. Why don't you get some breakfast and then go get some real sleep," offered Carson.

Rodney stood and stretched as he checked on Sheppard. He was surprised to see the man awake and watching him.

"You okay, Rodney?" asked John.

McKay was stunned at the question. "Yeah . . . why, don't I look okay?"

John frowned as he tried to push himself up farther on the pillows, wincing at the pain the effort stirred. "I thought you were having a nightmare. You seemed . . . upset."

It was then Rodney rubbed his face, only to have his hand come away damp with the tears he'd wiped away. He quickly looked away and cleared his throat. "I'm fine, just, you know, weird dreams. That always happens when I go to sleep in strange positions like slumped over in a chair."

"I'm glad you are well, Dr. McKay. I too was worried when I came in. I can stay with Colonel Sheppard for a while so that you may get something to eat and some rest."

McKay turned back to Teyla, having regained his composure. "Okay, that sounds good. I am pretty hungry, actually." He turned back to Sheppard, but stopped before saying anything. He noticed for the first time how odd the colonel's color was. "Carson . . . is he yellow?"

Carson nodded as he looked at the slight yellow tint to Sheppard's skin and the whites of his eyes. He'd noticed it as soon as he'd come in that morning. "Aye, it's jaundice, Rodney. It's because of the decreased liver functions."

Understanding crossed Rodney's face and he nodded. "Oh, yeah, I should have known that." He looked at Carson, worry deepening in his face. Carson's expression did nothing to make him feel any better. But for once his sensitivity filter was on and working, so he didn't say anything about John's deteriorating condition. Instead, he decided to go for a Rodney remark. "So, colonel, been hitting the sauce lately? I think you've been holding out on us."

John smiled. "Nope, not hardly. Other than the occasional beer, I really don't drink much. And here lately, not at all. I've discovered a distinct shortage of liquor stores in the Pegasus Galaxy."

"Good thing, I don't think your liver is up to it right now. We could have the Daedalus bring some on its next run so we could have a little celebration of sorts. Carson should have you up and running by then."

John's smile faltered just a bit before he restored it. "Sounds like a plan."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **I need to clarify a couple of things. First, I've been asked if this is slash and the answer is a resounding NO. This is just friendship between John and Rodney. I probably have a mushy, girly way of portraying friendship that may seem like slash to some, but that is not my intention. I may do Shep/Weir on occasion, but I don't write slash.

Second, the arrhythmia and the faulty heart valve are two separate problems. I don't think I made that clear and I plan on trying to fix that one of these days, but until then, just wanted you to know. Beckett picked up the valve problem with his stethoscope and the arrhythmia on the monitor. Sometimes what's in my brain doesn't make it out on the written page very well, and for that I apologize. That's probably why I don't get paid to do this – LOL.

Last, but not least, thanks to all who have read and reviewed. You guys make my day each and every time! Oh, and you might need a Kleenex for this chapter.

The Gift of Life – Chapter 4

Sheppard listened to the quiet conversation between members of his team. By mid-morning, they had all ended up back in the infirmary. McKay had barely been gone two hours before he returned looking fed and showered, but not like he'd gotten any sleep. Once there, they had refused to leave, just watching John sleep or work on his computer when they weren't engaged in strolls down memory lane. John was rather surprised when he realized how very much their presence meant. During a lull in the conversation, he decided it was time to have his say. The pain had gone up a notch or two and the fatigue was dragging him down faster and faster. On top of that, he found himself short of breath and having to work harder and harder to get enough air. He knew his lucid, functional time was growing short.

"Guys, I need to talk to you for a minute," he opened.

"No," said McKay sharply. His expression softened slightly as he shifted his gaze to Sheppard. "I don't want to hear it. Better yet, you can just tell me next week or next month or next year. But not today." His mind went immediately back to Sheppard sitting on the puddle jumper floor with an iratus bug attached to his neck, sucking the life out of him. He remembered Elizabeth turning down his impending death speech, saying he could tell her later.

Sheppard frowned and licked his dry lips, wishing he could spare his friend what was to come. "I'm sorry, Rodney, I am. But I may not be here next week and I need to say this. Please . . . just listen."

McKay looked at the floor, his shoulders slumped forward as he leaned his forearms against his upper legs. "You don't know what you're asking," he said softly.

Sheppard used most of his remaining strength to sit up and lean over the bed so he could put his hand on McKay's shoulder. "Yes, I do. But I need to do this and I need for you to listen."

McKay quickly swiped his hand across his face as he stood and eased Sheppard back down to his pillows. "Fine, but you owe me big time for this. I expect your dessert for a month, as well as unlimited device activation. Now stay put before you catapult yourself out of bed and get us both in trouble." McKay remained by his friend, one hand on the bedrail and within easy reach if Sheppard felt the need for contact.

"Thanks, Rodney." John leaned his head back and tried to keep his breathing under control. He felt like he was breathing way too fast, but he couldn't seem to slow it down without feeling like he was suffocating. Clearing his throat, he decided he'd better hurry as nausea rolled through his stomach, causing him to pull his legs up slightly to relieve the pressure.

"Okay, first thing is I want you to know that no matter how this turns out, I don't regret coming here. I wish I could change a few of my decisions and maybe make some things better, but I wouldn't give the last three years up for anything. There have been times when I was horrified and times when I was scared out of my mind, but this has been the most exciting and . . . truly real time of my whole life. No matter what, it's been well worth the ride. One of the things that's been so important is you guys." John hesitated, looking down for a moment as if struggling for the right words.

"I already told Teyla that I'm not very good at this stuff, but you guys . . . are the closest thing to family I've had in a very long time. In some ways, you are my only family. I know I can always depend on you to have my back and . . . I haven't always had someone to do that. It means more than I can tell you. That alone would make this whole adventure worth the risks that we've taken."

John went to clear his throat, but he ended up coughing for several seconds until Teyla brought him a cup of water. When he was able, he drank most of it and handed the cup back to Teyla, noticing how moist her eyes were when he looked up into her face. Glancing over at Ronon, he found the big guy staring at the floor uncomfortably. He knew this was hard on them, but he'd feel better if they knew how he felt before he reached the point where he could no longer tell them.

"I want you guys to stay together as a team. You're good and you work well together. You know each other's strengths and weaknesses and you mold around that without even having to think about it any more. I'm requesting that Lorne take over the team. He's a good officer and you already know him. We've worked with him on several occasions, so I think the transition would be pretty smooth."

"Smooth?" McKay gaped at Sheppard, his face beginning to flush with anger. "What's going to be smooth about losing my best friend, getting him back, and watching him die again? What's smooth about you sitting here calmly telling us good-bye and setting up your replacement? If you think there's anything _smooth_ about what's going on, you're even crazier than I thought!"

"Rodney," said Teyla, warning in her voice and her eyes flashing as she grabbed him forcefully by the arm and tried to pull him back from the side of the bed. Ronon was already getting to his feet, watching the two in case he needed to come between them.

"No, Teyla, it's okay," said Sheppard calmly. "Rodney, I know this seems really bad, but I've honestly come to terms with it. Mostly I'm just thankful that I didn't die alone in that cell or sitting in that chair with you guys watching from Atlantis. I thought that was how it was going to end. This way I get to see you again and say some things that I should have said a long time ago."

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe we haven't come to terms with it? And who gave you permission to just give up? Why aren't you fighting this?" Rodney was now gripping the rail with both hands so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"I haven't given up, I'm just getting prepared in case things don't go well. I'm sorry, Rodney, but what I'm feeling is . . . that the battle isn't going in my favor. But I can promise you that I haven't quit fighting and I won't until my last breath. I just think . . . I just needed to say some things in case I didn't get another chance."

McKay took several deep breaths during the ensuing silence and Teyla let go of his arm. His grip on the rail loosened slightly as he looked at Sheppard. "Okay . . . but you don't give up . . . not ever."

Sheppard smiled and nodded. "I'm not giving up, Rodney. I promise."

Rodney eyed him warily, finally accepting the answer and giving a small nod.

John turned his gaze back to his team. "One more thing."

McKay looked stricken. "Oh my god, you aren't through yet? You better not start confessing your sins to us, because I _really_ don't need to know."

John was pleased that Rodney had gone back to insulting and harassing him. He knew it was the scientist's defense mechanism, but it meant Rodney was coping and made him feel like the man would be all right. "I want all of you to help look after Elizabeth. We've come to depend on each other a lot and I'm afraid this will be hard on her. Caldwell will undoubtedly have himself planted here in no time and I'm afraid he'll try to make things difficult for her. He thinks this should be a military operation and he doesn't like not being in charge. He won't be purposefully vindictive, but he won't try to work with her like I do. Just back her up when needed and maybe offer some emotional support, at least at first."

They all nodded, knowing the expedition leader did rely on Sheppard for help with decisions and support with running Atlantis. They knew that she would need all the help she could get when Caldwell took over. They also knew that he would set about changing everything so as to let everyone know that Sheppard was gone and he was now in charge. He'd already tried that once before, when Sheppard was infected with the retrovirus.

"Oh, and . . . if it does come down to it . . . I don't want to be sent back to Earth. There's nothing there for me and no one that cares. I'd just as soon be buried on the mainland or have my ashes scattered on the ocean around Atlantis or something. Doesn't much matter, just don't send me back to Earth. There's no one there to claim me."

Teyla finally lost the battle to hold the tears back and she bowed her head as they streamed down her face. McKay just stood looking down at his friend, sad that there wasn't anyone outside Atlantis that Sheppard felt cared if he lived or died. Rodney always thought he was probably more alone than anyone, but even he had a sister that would want to know if something happened to him. Ronon understood because he was in the same situation. These people were the only family he had left. Atlantis was all that he had.

Ronon stood looking at Sheppard for a few minutes, the colonel finally looking up to make eye contact. The big man stood up straight and strolled slowly over to the side of Sheppard's bed. "I'd tell you that you've become a good friend and that you are a good soldier who I've come to respect, except then you might look at me funny when we spar or run. I'm not much on mushy stuff, so let's just leave it at I'll be glad when you're back on your feet. Hurry up and get better Sheppard, because this whole business of sleeping in infirmary chairs is messing with my back."

Sheppard smiled and nodded. "Working on it big guy. Working on it." Teyla gripped John's hand and Rodney put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed. Whatever happened, John knew he was home and his family was with him.

oOo

Elizabeth paused in the doorway of the infirmary, watching Sheppard's team huddle around him. Teyla was touching her forehead to John's, with Rodney and Ronon standing on either side of her. It looked like a very intimate and touching moment, so she didn't want to intrude. Stepping through the door of Carson's office, she spotted the doctor sitting at his desk, studying some papers.

"Carson? I thought I'd come by and check on John."

Beckett smiled grimly and waved her in. "Aye, lass, come on in. I've just been going over his test results from earlier today. Not good news, I'm afraid."

Elizabeth dropped into one of the office chairs, her heart plummeting. "Carson . . . " She didn't know what to say. She knew he was doing everything possible, but she wanted there to be more.

"I know . . . I feel the same way." The sadness in Beckett's face did not dispute the admission. "It's hard to just sit by and watch him go downhill like this, especially after what's happened."

Elizabeth stared at the floor as she worked up the courage to ask the question she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to. "Can . . . can he still recover, or is it too late?"

"No, it's not too late," Carson said hurriedly. "That's why I need everyone to be as positive and encouraging as possible. He could still turn this around and I bloody well hope he does."

Elizabeth narrowed her gaze sharply at the physician before her. "Are you giving odds?"

Beckett smiled. "I never give odds. Too dangerous. I just keep reminding myself of the times he pulled it out at the last minute. The lad is awfully fond of scaring the daylights out of us all and I'm planning on that being what's happening now."

Elizabeth sighed and rubbed her tired, burning eyes. "I hope you're right. God, I hope you're right." Elizabeth stood and looked at Carson. "I think I'll go say hi."

Carson nodded. "That's an excellent idea. I think he was wanting to see you earlier."

Elizabeth chewed on the edge of her lip. "Yeah, I think he's been trying to tell me his last wishes, or the equivalent. I just wasn't up to hearing that."

Carson's expression sobered as he looked at her. "Maybe you should listen to him."

Elizabeth felt like her heart dropped about two floors. Unable to speak, she just gave a small nod as she turned and left the office, heading for Sheppard's bed. Rodney looked shell-shocked and Teyla and Ronon just looked sad. She took a deep breath, trying to fortify her courage as she told herself that everything would be okay.

Teyla moved away from the bed to sit in one of the chairs and Rodney plopped down in the one beside her. Ronon paced back and forth at the foot of the bed as she walked up to stand beside John. "John, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," he said, almost before the question was out of her mouth.

She studied him, noting the pain in his eyes and small, tense motions as he shifted uncomfortably under the covers. The corners of her mouth turned up just a little. "You are such a liar."

John smiled. "I prefer to think of it as a small exaggeration. I've been better, I'll admit, but I've also felt much worse." Being fed on by a Wraith popped firmly into his head, followed by the haunting, phantom pain in his chest. A tremor ran through his body and he was helpless to stop it, closing his eyes for a moment as he pushed the memory away.

"John?" Her hand was on his arm and he patted it reassuringly.

"I'm okay, Elizabeth. Look . . . I know you don't want to talk . . . if it comes down to it, I put some stuff together for you and Lorne on my laptop. I kind of wish you'd read it now so you could ask if you have questions."

The pleading look was more than she could handle. She had to take a few deep breaths to keep from losing her composure. "John, I'm sure that won't be necessary." She felt really bad at the look of defeat that crossed his face.

"Well, okay. I'll just email it to you and you can look at it when you get a chance."

Elizabeth nodded. "That sounds like a good idea. John . . . Carson says you can still defeat this thing. I hope you haven't given up."

John shook his head. "No, we just had that discussion. I'm still fighting and will be til the . . . well, until it's over one way or the other."

They all turned as Carson came up to the bed. "Colonel, I need to check some things and then I'll let you get back to your visitors." After checking Sheppard's pulse and blood pressure, he checked the IV and the monitor readings. He stood looking for a few seconds before using the stethoscope to listen to his patient's heart and lungs.

"Colonel, you seem a little short of breath."

John nodded. "Yeah . . . been noticing that."

Carson watched the monitor connected to the pulse oximeter for a few seconds. "I think we're going to put you on nasal cannula to give your respiratory system some support. I'll be back in a jiffy."

Silence hung heavy in the air after the doctor left. They all knew it was evidence of John's deteriorating condition.

oOo

_John threw the pebble, hooking it from the side so that it skipped several times across the surface of the lake. Keeping his gaze on the mirror-like water, he watched as a stone skipped even farther than the one he'd thrown. "Nice. You learn fast."_

"_There is much you do not know about Wraith."_

_John glanced sideways at the Wraith beside him, hunting for a new pebble to throw. "Yeah, well there is still much you don't know about humans. Like what's with this gift of life stuff that turns out to be just another way to die? Rodney says I should ask for a refund."_

_The Wraith stood to look inquisitively at him. "A refund?"_

_John chuckled as he shook his head. "Never mind. I thought you healed me . . . restored my life . . . I'm dying."_

_The Wraith stood looking at him for several moments before lowering his gaze. "For that I am truly sorry. I fear it is because you were fed upon so often. That is not our normal way and I had no means of allowing for it. There is nothing I can do."_

_John took the stone he held in his palm and fingered it for several seconds before throwing it into the water, making no attempt to skip it. "Yeah, well, thanks for trying," he said bitterly._

"_The gift of life is an honor and is not often bestowed."_

_John chuckled again. "I know, for your most devout worshippers and your brothers. Well, I guess you know I'm not a worshipper, devout or otherwise, so does that make me your brother?"_

"_What do you think, Sheppard?"_

_John sighed and sat on the ground. "I don't know any more. Brothers? We're both soldiers, I guess, and we worked together to defeat a common enemy and to work toward a common goal."_

_The Wraith sat down beside Sheppard. "Yes, we worked together to defeat evil."_

_Sheppard smiled at that. "I would have to agree that Kolya is evil, the very embodiment of the word if you ask me."_

_Nodding, the Wraith continued. "We both work to protect our friends and our people, to preserve our way of life. It is just that, by fate, we lead different lives. But we both have strength and courage and honor."_

_Sheppard rubbed his face and sucked in a deep breath. For some reason, it was difficult to take in enough air. "Yeah, well, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you're actually the first Wraith I've met with the whole sense of honor thing going for him."_

_The Wraith studied him for several moments before saying anything. "And I have not met many humans with your sense of honor or your strength."_

"_Well, it doesn't matter now anyway. I still thank you for restoring the years you took so I could live long enough to get home."_

_The Wraith lifted his hand as if to put it on Sheppard's chest and the colonel flinched away. "Whoa, what are doing? I'm not doing that again!" He pushed himself back, away from the creature sitting beside him._

"_I will not hurt you, I merely want to show you the strength you have inside you. I cannot help you, but you can help yourself. Learn to draw from that inner strength and you may still live." The Wraith slid forward, his hand moving to touch John on the chest. The pilot immediately tensed as he felt the cold touch his skin. But instead of pain, there was a strange tingling, almost like the touch of a stunner. John felt like he was falling and then there was nothing._

oOo

Elizabeth paused as she entered the mess hall to see John's team sitting at one of the tables. Surprised to find them out of the infirmary, she poured the cup of coffee she had come in for and made her way to their table. Each had a tray of breakfast food, but it looked like there had been more stabbing and poking than eating. Subdued and melancholy were the descriptions that came to mind as she pulled up a chair to join them.

"I'm surprised to see you guys out of the infirmary. I was beginning to think you'd grown roots," she offered.

Ronon glanced up from mashing his scrambled eggs with his fork. "Beckett kicked us out just after midnight and told us not to come back until eight at the earliest. He said we needed rest and Sheppard would just be sleeping."

"I still think we should have staged a revolt and stayed," mumbled Rodney. "There are more of us than of him. What if the colonel wakes up alone?"

Teyla sighed. "Dr. Beckett assured us that someone would be with Colonel Sheppard at all times. Besides, he said he needed to run some tests this morning and we would just be in the way."

"Way, schmay. The quack was just tired of us cluttering up the place," Rodney muttered, his voice tight with tension.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow as she stared at Rodney. "So, did you get any sleep?"

Rodney snorted loudly. "Right, cause it was so easy for us to sleep knowing our friend was dying in the infirmary just a few days after watching him almost get sucked dry by a Wraith. And just how well did you sleep Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth stared down into her coffee wordlessly.

"Right," said Rodney.

Elizabeth looked up at Teyla, who was watching her sympathetically. "Was there any change in his condition after I left last night?"

Teyla nodded. "Yes, I'm afraid Dr. Beckett had to change the colonel over to an oxygen mask. He said his oxygen levels were getting too low."

Elizabeth rubbed the side of her face absently. "That doesn't sound good." She quickly looked down at her watch to see how much longer before they could see John.

"It's only fifteen minutes now," said Rodney, answering her question. "I think we should head that way. Maybe Carson will let us in early." They all stood and began gathering their trash, silently following McKay's suggestion.

By the time they entered the infirmary, it was almost eight. They made their way slowly and quietly to Sheppard's bed to find Carson sitting in a chair, watching his patient sleep. They didn't speak, just watched Sheppard's still form, the irregular rise and fall of his chest the only movement. Beckett finally stood and turned to the visitors.

"We couldn't wake him this morning for the scan. At his present rate of decline, we'll have him on the ventilator by this time tomorrow. If things don't turn around soon . . . there isn't much time I'm afraid." Carson sighed and looked at the floor. "I'm sorry we can't do more, I truly am."

Elizabeth moved to put a hand on Carson's shoulder, seeing the devastation in his eyes. "Carson, you did what you could. We don't expect you to work miracles."

"Speak for yourself, I do," snapped Rodney. His eyes softened after a moment. "Okay, I don't expect it, but I was hoping. Carson, I . . . you have to . . . I just wish we could . . . " Rodney finally gave up and trailed off.

Beckett just nodded. "I know, Rodney. Believe me, I know."

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Note:** Thanks again to all of you reading and reviewing. I just looked at the review count and almost fainted (passed out?). Warm fuzzies for everyone!

The Gift of Life – Chapter 5

Carson stood studying the shattered group of people across the infirmary. Sheppard had been unresponsive since early that morning and lay hooked to a variety of monitors and tubes, an oxygen mask covering his face. His team hadn't left his side since they had returned to the infirmary from breakfast. They sat, stood, and paced around the space near the dying man's bed, taking turns sitting next to his bed and providing physical contact. Teyla held his hand for her turn, gently stroking the side of his hand with her thumb. Rodney laid his hand on Sheppard's forearm, poking the man occasionally with his index finger to see if he could get a reaction. When Ronon took his turn, he moved the chair to the other end and propped his feet up on the bed, making sure his feet were up against the side of Sheppard's leg. Ever so often he would nudge the colonel slightly, silently using McKay's strategy of looking for a reaction.

All the while, they talked quietly, sometimes to each other and sometimes to Sheppard. Someone was always in motion. Someone was always talking. Carson knew they were trying to cope as much as they were trying to maintain a link to their CO and their friend. He shook his head sadly and turned to walk back into his office.

"Dr. Beckett?"

"Yes?" he said as he turned back to face the nurse approaching him.

"Latest lab reports," she said, handing him a folder.

Carson nodded. "Thanks. I hope these have some good news because we're just about out of time."

The nurse sighed and looked down at the floor. "It's just so unfair. If the colonel . . . well . . . it just wouldn't be the same without him."

"Aye, lass, I know." Carson knew his staff was taking Sheppard's declining health hard. The colonel had spent enough time there that they all knew him well. Even though he wasn't always a model patient and they had trouble getting the truth out him sometimes, he always treated them with respect and showed appreciation for their help. Carson smiled as he thought about how uncomfortable the man still got when he was bedridden and had to be aided with even the most basic needs. He was proud of his nurses and the professional way they tried to limit their patient's embarrassment.

"I'd better go change out his IV before it runs completely dry," she said as she walked across the infirmary. Beckett just nodded after her. He was about to go back into his office when he heard footsteps and saw movement in his peripheral vision. Glancing to the infirmary door, he watched Major Lorne take a few steps in and stop, staring at the group across the way.

"Major Lorne," said Beckett.

Lorne turned to see Carson standing in the doorway to his office. "Doc. Just thought I'd check on the colonel." He paused and looked back to the bed with his ailing CO. "Doesn't look like he's doing so well."

Beckett rubbed the side of his face, pausing with his chin cupped in his hand. "No, I'm afraid he's not doing well at the moment." They stood silently, observing John's team watch over him.

"He can still pull out of this, right?" Lorne's voice was a bit smaller than Beckett ever remembered hearing before.

"Aye, but . . . not if this continues much longer." Beckett exhaled a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm afraid at this point it's not very probable. To be realistic son, this is most likely goodbye."

Lorne frowned briefly before returning his expression to the neutral one he'd worn in. "Colonel Sheppard always tells us, it ain't over til it's over. So as long as there's a hair's breadth of a chance, I'm sticking with the thought that he'll pull it out in the end, just like he always does." Lorne looked over at Beckett and nodded. "Thanks, Doc. Think I'll go say hi to my CO."

Beckett watched as Lorne strolled over to stand beside the others surrounding Sheppard's bed. He could hear them talking, filling in the major about Sheppard's current condition. Fingering the folder in his hands, he headed into his office, renewed hope making him anxious to see Sheppard's latest test results.

Lorne crossed his arms, watching Teyla make little circles on the back of Sheppard's hand just below the entrance point of the IV. She was leaned over, softly encouraging the colonel to fight and assuring him that he was not alone. The major felt a tightness roll across his chest.

"I think he sent you an email," said McKay, obviously uncomfortable and looking for a distraction.

"I got it," replied Lorne.

McKay shifted his weight. "Did you look at it yet?"

"No," said Lorne simply. "Don't plan to."

McKay shifted his weight again, rubbing his hands nervously and licking his lips. "Uh, it might be important."

Lorne turned his head to look at McKay, his expression blank. "Not yet, it's not. I haven't given up yet."

"Darn right," rumbled Ronon as he paced behind them. "No one is giving up yet, least of all Sheppard. He's still fighting. He said he wouldn't give up and I believe him."

Rodney just nodded silently, wishing he had as much confidence as those around him seemed to have. He was afraid, afraid of losing one of the few friends he'd ever made in his life. One of the few people to put up with his ego and his sarcasm and his rambling and keep coming back for more, dishing out his own sarcastic remarks as he went.

They all turned at the sound of approaching footsteps to see Beckett making his way across the infirmary. He stopped beside Lorne at the foot of the bed.

"I have a bit of good news," Beckett said proudly. "The colonel's latest test results show no further deterioration in his condition. It's not as good as having an improvement, but it could mean he's stabilized and about to turn it around." Beckett smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. He feeling genuine hope for the ailing pilot and his face beamed with it. He was further boosted by the looks now filling the faces of those around him.

Teyla placed one hand gently on the side of Sheppard's face, whispering proud encouragement to him as she stroked his cheek. She smiled, certain now that her friend would be staying with them.

Beckett took a deep breath, not wanting to squelch their hope, bur feeling the need to be honest with them. "You have to understand, he's not out of the woods by a long shot. This is not a guarantee of recovery, but it is a sign that there is still hope."

McKay clamped his hand on Beckett's shoulder. "That's all we need, Carson. That's all he needs."

oOo

John sat down under the tree, looking out across the calm surface of the lake. He knew the lake, the area, but he didn't know from where. Childhood maybe? He wasn't sure. He was tired, he knew that. And he felt a sense of urgency, as if he should be doing something.

"They're waiting for you."

John looked up at the Wraith and sighed, moving his gaze back down to his hands in his lap. "You're still here?"

The Wraith chuckled, which John found unnerving and comforting at the same time. "Are you even real? I mean, are you really here in my mind or are you really just . . . I don't know, like my subconscious talking to me or something?"

The Wraith smiled down at him. "Does it matter?"

John thought about it for a second before looking back up at the creature. "No, I guess not. Just curious."

"You can't hide here forever, Your friends are waiting for you to rejoin them. I am impressed at how quickly you found your inner strength and took command of it. Most humans are not so enabled."

"Did you have anything to do with that?" John asked.

The Wraith simply smiled at him again.

"Not very informative, are you? And don't say it, there is much we do not know about the Wraith. I get it. Don't guess we'll ever know if they are all as talkative as you."

The Wraith chuckled again, producing a smile on John's face. After a moment, his expression sobered. "You are afraid."

John looked away, rubbing his face with his hand. He then sat staring at the ground, silently contemplating the Wraith's statement. "Yeah, I guess I am. I was prepared to die . . . twice . . . and yet here I am. I know there will the nightmares, the lingering pain, the looks from those who watched . . . " He shuddered involuntarily, imagining for a moment what it must have looked like to his friends, imagining their hopelessness.

"I'm just not sure I can go back now."

The Wraith continued to stand over him, making John nervous. "You are a soldier, Sheppard, a good and strong soldier . . . as I am. We are used to pain and nightmares and death. Why is this different?"

John looked up quizzically. "Wraith have nightmares?" Not getting an answer, he looked back down. "I don't know why this is different. I guess . . . I guess because they were all watching. I'm supposed to be the military leader and they saw me weak and helpless, gagged and tied to that chair like . . . they saw me . . . "

"In pain? Do you not think when you return from battle injured that they do not see you in pain?"

"This is different," said Sheppard sharply, anger beginning to build inside him. Anger at Kolya, anger at the Wraith now taunting him, anger at the loss of control. "I was used. There was no point to what he did. He knew Elizabeth would never give in and yet he made me helpless and tortured me in front of her, in front of them all. It was a power play, revenge, a game to him. I don't care what he says, it was all about making me suffer in front of my friends because I humiliated him in front of his people."

John pulled himself to his feet, staggering at the weakness that filled him. Once he was steady, he began to pace.

The Wraith stood calmly watching him, as he had in the cell not that long ago. "Your anger fills you again. You must control it or it will control you. It will be hard . . . but you must go back and face your fears and your anger. Only then can you regain yourself."

John suddenly stopped pacing and looked at the Wraith, his anger dissolving as he began to laugh. "Okay, now I know this can't be real. That sounds like something out of a really corny movie. You aren't really here, are you?"

"You told me that you do not leave people behind. An honorable Wraith will not leave a brother behind. Let us leave it at that." The Wraith grinned. "There is still much you do not know about the Wraith."

Hearing an unexpected sound, John turned to see movement through the trees behind him. For a second, he thought he saw Teyla, but then she was gone. "Teyla?" No one answered and the forest was now still, making him wonder if he had imagined it. Turning back around, he found the Wraith was no longer there.

"Well, this sucks." He stood looking around, wondering what he should do when he saw an activated stargate in the distance, blue puddle shimmering in the middle of the ring. "Okay, I know that wasn't there a minute ago." Feeling drawn to the gate, he decided it was as good a place to start as any, so he began walking toward it. "I guess it's time to go back," he mumbled, looking around for any sign of the Wraith. When he arrived, he didn't hesitate, but stepped through the event horizon.

oOo

The deep aching exhaustion that seemed to hold him like a vise made it hard to open his eyes. A mental image of lifting weights with his eyelids flashed through his mind, almost making him chuckle. He lay for a moment, listening to the sounds and trying to identify them. Heart monitor. Hiss of oxygen, making him aware of the mask on his face. He thought he could pick out two distinct snores . . . Ronon and Rodney? As he began to process the sight of the ceiling in the darkened room, he also became aware of the touches.

John rolled his head slightly to his left. Teyla slept with her head on the edge of the bed, one hand holding his and the other draped across his forearm. Closer to the foot of the bed slept Ronon, scrunched down in a chair with his head leaned against the back, mouth open, snoring loudly. Following the long legs, he found the big guy's shoeless feet wedged firmly up against his thigh. Gradually, as energy would allow, a small smile crept across his mouth.

Slowly and carefully, John shifted his head to roll toward his right. McKay slept leaned over with his head on the mattress, his mouth open and a small stream of drool forming a thin line down the side of his face. One arm was partway under his head and the other was thrown out so that his hand rested against Sheppard's side. Rodney mumbled and then snorted, his face sliding forward a bit before he resumed his light snore.

He was glad he had come back. He was glad he'd been able to come back, because who would want to be anywhere but with people who watched your back like this. He knew, once again, that he was truly home.

"Colonel?"

The whispered voice of the nurse was so soft he'd barely heard it. Turning his head back the other way, Kelly stood grinning at him. "Shhh," he hissed from under the mask. He wanted to tell her not to wake them, but he didn't think he was able. She understood though, nodding as she smiled.

"Can I get you anything?" she whispered.

John looked from Ronon to Teyla and then to Rodney. Glancing back up at the nurse, he said, "No," very softly. He already had what he needed.

Kelly patted him on the leg and quietly moved around the sleeping forms to check Sheppard's monitors, IV, and the oxygen mask on his face. Satisfied, she laid her hand gently on his shoulder, noticing his eyelids had already begun to slide closed. "Good to have you back, colonel," she whispered as she bent over close to his face. His lips curved up slightly in a small smile, even as his eyes finished closing. She stood watching until she was sure he had gone back to sleep and then moved across the infirmary toward the cot in the back where Beckett had finally been convinced to lie down.

oOo

The next time John woke, he felt like only a few minutes had passed, but when he opened his eyes, the bright light of day disputed that thought. He was somewhat startled to find four sets of eyes looking at him, as if they'd been watching him and waiting on him to wake up.

"Welcome back, John," said Teyla, sitting next to him in the same chair she'd been in earlier. Her warm, genuine smile put him immediately at ease.

"Hey," he said, his voice barely audible. It was then he noticed that the mask had been replaced with nasal cannula. Rodney moved to raise the head of the bed a few inches while Beckett disappeared and then returned with a cup of water. John was thankful when Beckett put the straw to his lips because he honestly didn't think he had the strength to raise his arms. Beckett pulled the water away after only a few sips, but it was enough to relieve parched feeling in his throat. "Thanks," he managed to scratch out.

John looked at the grinning faces of his friends. "Happy bunch," he said, still not feeling strong enough to go for complete sentences.

"You gave us quite a scare, colonel," explained Beckett. "We were beginning to wonder if you were going to pull out of this one. You'll be happy to know that your liver and renal functions are rapidly improving. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't have thought this level of improvement possible if I wasn't seeing it myself."

"Inner strength," John said softly. He was a little uncomfortable when Teyla looked at him oddly.

"Well, you must have a lot of it," commented Beckett. "How do you feel, colonel? Any pain?"

John shifted a little, assessing his body. "Tired . . . just ache . . . I'm okay."

"No," said Beckett. "But you will be." He smiled and nodded at Sheppard before looking around to his teammates. "Don't tire him out too much. He's still got a long way to go."

"Have you called Elizabeth yet?" asked Rodney.

"Aye, she's on her way. Call me if he needs anything." Beckett turned and headed to his office, the exhaustion from earlier suddenly seeming vague and unimportant.

"Glad you're back, Sheppard," said Ronon. "Too much trouble to learn to work with someone new."

John merely nodded a bit. He felt sluggish and heavy and wasn't sure how long he could keep his eyes open. But here, surrounded by his team, he felt good.

"There's Elizabeth," said Rodney, jumping up to meet her at the door. As he left, John looked up at Teyla.

"You were there . . . weren't you?" John had to work to maintain eye contact, afraid of what she would say.

Teyla furrowed her brow. "I . . . am not certain. I had a strange dream last night and I . . . believe that you were in it. You were . . . speaking with the Wraith from the planet."

John sighed and closed his eyes for a few seconds. "Where?"

Teyla looked down at her hand, lying on his forearm. "It is very vague. I believe we were near a lake . . . maybe some trees. I only remember you and the Wraith. I thought I heard something about inner strength and going back."

Sheppard felt his stomach clench. She _had_ been there. "How?"

Teyla opened her mouth and then quickly closed it. Shaking her head, she breathed out heavily. "I am not sure. Nothing like this has ever happened before."

"Wraith DNA," said Ronon. They both jerked their heads up, having forgotten he was still there.

"I don't have Wraith DNA," said Sheppard sharply.

"Maybe you do now," offered Ronon.

"It could be something else," said Teyla, sensing John's discomfort. "If the Wraith had somehow connected to you, then maybe I was there through him. Maybe it is something else entirely, a bond that has formed but not been tapped into before now. It was unlike any of my connections with Wraith in the past."

John shivered involuntarily, now aware that maybe the Wraith had left something of himself inside John. Maybe that was what he had meant by brother. John wasn't really sure if he wanted to know or not.

"Hey, Rodney tells me you're doing much better. It's about time. Didn't we just have a discussion about this brink of death stuff?" said Elizabeth as she walked up to stand beside Teyla. Her smile faltered a bit as she felt the tension hanging in the air and saw it reflected in their eyes. "Problem?"

John looked from Teyla to Ronon. "No," he said simply, his expression asking Ronon to leave it alone, at least for now.

"No problem," echoed Ronon, looking hard at John.

John relaxed visibly, the easing tension in his muscles almost making him dizzy. The tired, achy feeling from before took hold with a vengeance, and he blinked his eyes slowly.

"John . . . how are you feeling?" asked Elizabeth, now uncertain about how well the colonel was actually doing. He looked tense and she thought he had paled since her arrival.

"I'm 'kay . . . tired." He slid his eyes over to Teyla, who gave a small, almost imperceptible nod. He relaxed even further, realizing he could deal with it later, that they had given him a brief reprieve. He knew he would have to face the questions at some point, but he needed to be stronger. So he let himself be lulled back to sleep, his body needing the healing rest it provided and his mind needing the down time.

"He's not much fun these days," commented Rodney. "Even when he's getting better, all he does is sleep."

"Do not begrudge him that," said Teyla. "He needs to rest in order to gain his strength back. Dr. Beckett has taught us that."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," admitted Rodney. "And he's still got a long way to go and a lot of stuff to deal with."

"Got that right," said Ronon, looking at Teyla's narrowed, warning eyes.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

The Gift of Life – Chapter 6

"Elizabeth!" Her name was said with such force that she assumed it was not the first time it had been called out. Jerking her head up, she looked at Carson Beckett, frowning as he stood in the doorway to her office.

"Carson, I'm sorry, come in." She stood as she nodded sheepishly to the chair across from her desk. "I guess I was daydreaming."

Beckett came in and eased himself into the chair. "You look tired."

Elizabeth smiled as she sat back down. "I could say the same thing about you. I happen to know from your staff that you've barely slept since John got back."

Beckett raised his brows. "Oh, they told you that, did they? Sounds like I may have to have a discussion with them."

"They just worry about you. You have a good group there."

Beckett nodded proudly. "Aye, I do. Probably the best I've ever worked with. Well, I got a good sleep last night, what with the colonel doing so well. I hope you did too."

"I have to admit, I did sleep a lot better than I have been. So, what's the latest on John?"

"As you know, he drifted in and out yesterday, visiting with his team and such as he was awake. I expect his periods of wakefulness will gradually get longer and more numerous. And that's what I came to talk to you about."

Elizabeth sighed and dropped her gaze. "He hasn't had a chance to deal with this emotionally because he's been so sick."

Beckett nodded. "Aye. I think I may have Kate drop by to see him a few minutes this afternoon. You know him, he won't like it."

"I know. But after something like this, I can't imagine him just pushing it down like he usually does and going on with his life. Surely he'll need some help with this."

"That's what I'm thinking. The emotional trauma from something this can be every bit as crippling as the physical trauma, not that the colonel would ever admit that. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be clearing him until he's talked to Kate."

Elizabeth nodded her obvious approval. "And I won't be approving him for missions until she's cleared him psychologically. He isn't going to like any of this, you know."

"Yes, that's why I thought I'd talk to you before I talked to him. He probably already suspects that's the way it will be, but it's one thing to think it and another to have it confirmed."

"I know. What if I come by after lunch and we can tell him together. United front and all."

Beckett nodded. "That would be good. I'll have Kate come by then and we can approach him together. It'll be harder to argue with three of us than with one."

"Agreed. I'll be there after lunch. How's he doing other than that?"

"Good. His systems are still recovering amazingly well. We should have him back to normal functioning levels by tomorrow I think, possibly the day after. We got him to keep down a few sips of broth last night. He said he felt a bit better this morning, just tired still."

"Any projections as to when he'll be released?"

Beckett shook his head. "No, I'm not thinking that far ahead. He'll need to be monitored for a while after his liver and renal functions return to normal and it will take a bit for his body to recover. This is all new to us and we still don't completely understand what happened." Beckett ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not complaining, mind you, but I have a feeling the colonel will be driving us all up the wall before I feel secure enough to release him."

Elizabeth grinned. "I've never been so glad to hear a report like that in my life."

Beckett returned her grin. "Aye, and I don't think I've ever been so glad to give it. Just remind me I said that in about a week."

oOo

John was drifting somewhere between being asleep and awake when the touch came to his arm. Jerking awake, he quickly sat up and thrust his fist out, connecting with soft flesh at the same time he tried to scramble back and away from whatever had touched him. Eyes wide with fear and anticipation, he could see no one beside his bed, but a frightened nurse was hurrying his way. He heard the low moan about the time it registered with his brain exactly where he was.

The nurse kneeled beside his bed and he leaned forward and over to see what she was doing. Marcy, one of his favorite nurses, was just sitting up, looking dazed and holding the side of her face. Dread and self-anger filled him as he realized what he had done.

"Oh, crap, Marcy, I'm so sorry," John began, trying to get up, the adrenalin fueling his desire to help. He was struggling with the varied wires and tubes attached to him when he felt strong hands push him back down.

"Colonel, I need you to lie back down so I can help Amy tend to Marcy." John stopped resisting long enough to look around and see Beckett was the one holding him down. He hadn't even seen the man approach. Realizing that he couldn't really help, he relaxed back into the pillow.

"I'm _so_ sorry, Doc, I didn't realize . . . it was just reflex . . . "

"I know, son, it's okay, but I need you to stay put before you hurt yourself."

John nodded, thoroughly embarrassed at hurting Marcy, as well as for keeping Beckett from helping her. Beckett moved around the bed and helped Amy get Marcy to her feet.

"Let's get some ice on that," Beckett said as he began directing her across the room. Marcy pulled away a second and looked back at John, frowning.

"Colonel . . . are you okay?"

John moved his mouth a few moments before he found his voice. "I'm fine . . . Marcy . . . I would never hurt you – "

"I know that, Colonel. It was my fault for startling you. I know better, I just wasn't thinking." Marcy was smiling, in spite of the swelling already occurring around her right eye.

Sheppard shook his head, still having trouble believing he'd just hit one of the nurses caring for him. "I'm just so sorry . . . I . . . " Sheppard shook his head again and looked down, feeling like the lowest form of life.

"I'm fine, colonel, really," Marcy insisted as Amy and Carson pulled her away.

"I'll come back and check on the colonel," said Beckett. "But for now, let's get some ice on that and let me have a look."

John watched until they went through the door at the other end of the room and then rolled over on his side, facing the wall. He was thankful that Carson had sent his team off to get some much needed food and rest. It was bad enough everyone had seen him tortured without seeing him fall apart as well. The departure of the adrenalin from a few minutes before along with the horror, at least in his mind, of what he'd done, left him exhausted and shaking. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when Beckett moved into his line of sight and sat down on a stool facing him.

"No one blames you, colonel. You must know that. And Marcy is fine. She'll have a bit of a shiner for a few days, but there's no real damage. Appears to have been a glancing blow."

John didn't say anything, just silently stared ahead. He felt almost numb now, like he wasn't really there. He just wanted to be left alone for a while and was hoping the doctor would take the hint without him having to spell it out.

"Colonel?" Beckett sat watching him, noting his withdrawal. "Can I get you anything?"

Sheppard shook his head and closed his eyes. A few minutes later he heard Beckett get up and leave.

oOo

McKay stacked his empty food tray on top of Teyla's and turned to look at Sheppard. The pilot was propped up, absent all the monitors but still stuck with an IV, spooning his soup. He lifted a spoon of soup, only to tilt it and let the liquid slide out and back into the bowl. He then repeated the process, watching the falling broth and noodles with abnormal fascination.

"You know, I think Carson meant for you to eat that, not play with it." McKay stood beside Sheppard's bed, carefully eyeing the colonel. "It was an accident, no one's blaming you."

Sheppard's eyes flashed in anger as he glanced up at McKay. "_I_ blame me, McKay. I _hit_ Marcy in the face. There is no excuse for that."

Ronon got up and walked over to the bedside table, adding his tray to the other two. "You're wrong, Sheppard. I've known many soldiers to strike out at friends and family when startled from sleep. It's reflex. It's what keeps us alive in the field and they have to understand that. Get over it."

Teyla frowned at Ronon and walked over to stand at Sheppard's elbow. "Ronon is right that is was reflex and could not be helped. He does not have to be so harsh, however."

John dropped the spoon in the soup with a splat and rubbed his eyes and forehead. "I just feel so bad about hitting her, especially when she was trying to help me."

Teyla placed a hand on his forearm. "You apologized, right?"

John sighed. "Yeah, several times."

Teyla smiled, already knowing the answer. "And what did she say?"

John let his head dip forward. "She said it was okay."

"So she is not angry with you?"

"No," admitted John.

"Then get over it," repeated Ronon.

John chuckled. "Ronon, you're beginning to sound like a broken record."

Ronon humphed, having no idea what Sheppard was talking about, but getting the meaning."

"Ah-oh," said Rodney. "Dangerous mob at twelve o'clock."

They all looked around to see Beckett approaching with Kate Heightmeyer and Elizabeth.

"Crap," muttered Sheppard. "Bet I know what this is about."

"You're looking much better," said Elizabeth. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Took out a nurse before breakfast, so I guess I'm getting stronger." John winced as soon as the comment left his lips, wishing he could take it back. Not only did he think it almost disrespectful to Marcy, but it didn't help his position any. So much for convincing them he was handling everything okay.

"You didn't eat very much," commented Carson, after an uncomfortable silence. "Are you still feeling nauseous?"

"Just not very hungry. I don't suppose you three are here just to visit?"

Elizabeth's smile slipped into a more serious expression. "No, I'm afraid not." She let her gaze move over each of Sheppard's teammates. "We need to speak to John about something, if you could just give us some time with him."

Ronon stood from his chair and walked over to stand closer to John's bed. "Don't forget to ask Beckett."

Carson looked at John quizzically. "As me what?"

Glaring at Ronon, John ran a hand through his hair and then slowly moved his line of sight over to Beckett. "I need you to test my DNA."

Carson, Elizabeth, and Kate exchanged worried and confused looks. "Is there a reason for this request?" asked the physician.

"Teyla was in his dream, along with a Wraith," said Ronon matter-of-factly.

"Thanks, Ronon, you can stop helping now," said John sarcastically. Ronon just shrugged.

Rodney had been standing with his mouth slightly open for several moments. "How am I the only one on this team that doesn't seem to know about this?" His tone was definitely showing how insulted he felt. "I _am_ still on this team, right? I mean you didn't kick me off and not tell me or anything, did you?"

"No, Rodney, of course not," said Teyla in her typical, calm voice. "We did not intentionally hide this from you. Ronon merely overheard us discussing it."

Beckett crossed his arms, frowning with his best look of intimidation. "Colonel, I think you need to explain what's going on."

John sighed. "A couple of days ago, when I was unconscious and . . . not doing so well, I had this weird dream. At least, I think it was a dream. It seemed very real, like I was actually there. But, anyway, the Wraith from the planet was there and we talked. At some point in the second dream – "

"There were two of these dreams?" asked Kate.

John nodded. "Yeah, anyway, in the second dream I thought I saw Teyla, but I wasn't sure. When I asked her about it, it turns out she thought I had been in her dreams with the Wraith and she remembered a couple of things that were said . . . things that we talked about in my dream. It's almost like she was in my head."

"Ronon thinks perhaps John has acquired DNA from the Wraith that allows him to communicate with the Wraith and with me," explained Teyla.

Beckett nodded, realizing the potential truth in the thought. "We'll do the test this afternoon."

"But for right now," said Elizabeth, "we still need to talk to Colonel Sheppard."

Rodney shifted his weight anxiously from one foot to the other while rubbing his hands down the side of his pants leg. "Maybe I should stay."

John answered without taking his eyes from the three standing next to his bed. "No, it's okay Rodney. This is just where they tell me I have to share my feelings with Kate before they'll clear me for duty."

Rodney didn't look convinced. "Are you sure? I'll stay if you want."

Elizabeth frowned. "Rodney, this isn't the inquisition."

Rodney snorted loudly, bringing a small smile from John. "Take my word for it, Elizabeth, from our point of view, sometimes it feels like it." Rodney looked over at John, who nodded his appreciation.

Teyla moved forward, taking Rodney by the elbow and steering him away from the bed. "Come on, Rodney. We'll go to the mess hall for dessert and coffee."

Rodney took one last look at John over his shoulder as Ronon moved up to walk on his other side. The colonel gave him a final nod and Rodney nodded back his acceptance of the situation. "I'll save you some pie."

John watched them leave the infirmary, suddenly feeling very alone and exposed. "You know I oppose this. I had to live through being fed on by a Wraith, tortured in front of my friends. The last thing I want to do is relive it by talking about it. I just want to move on."

Kate shook her head. "It's not that easy, and you know it."

"It could be if you'd let it!" John took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm himself. "In case you haven't figured this out by now, I'm not a sharing/feely kind of guy. That just prolongs the misery, drags it out. I just want to forget this whole mess."

"You're already having nightmares, colonel," said Kate.

"Yeah, well, you get tortured like that and tell me you don't have a few."

Kate looked at him, meeting his glare. "I'm not saying that it's abnormal to have a few nightmares. But if you don't deal with the trauma and come to terms with it in some way, they'll get worse instead of better."

"I can deal with it . . . _my_ way."

Elizabeth decided it was time to intervene. "John, you have to talk to Kate to get cleared, you know that. If she is convinced that you are handling it fine on your own and it's safe for you to return to duty, then I'll clear you. But you have to go through the steps to get to that point and that means talking to her, at least a few times."

John sighed, knowing he couldn't win. "Fine, when?"

Kate glanced at her watch. "It just so happens, I have some time now. We could get started today."

"Whatever, let's just it over with." John leaned his head back against the pillow.

Beckett stepped forward, smiling. "Well, I'll just get this tray out of your way." He picked up the tray and set it on top of the empty ones, adjusting his grip so that he could pick them all up at once.

Elizabeth pushed the tray table away from the bed. "I'll talk to you later, John."

John didn't answer, staring at his feet as Kate settled in one of the chairs around the bed. "All right, colonel, why don't we start with the dreams. Tell me about them."

John continued to stare at his feet, wondering why they couldn't understand he just wanted to be left alone, to forget what had happened and move on. He didn't really think it seemed like too much to ask. He rubbed his hand across his forehead, a headache beginning to bloom in his temples.

"It was just a dream." He chuckled when he remembered telling the Wraith about Rodney's insistence he needed a refund on the gift of life. "We talked about the gift of life and how it wasn't working very well at the moment. He said I needed to discover my inner strength. Just . . . encouragement stuff. I think maybe it might have just been my subconscious telling me not to give up."

Kate studied him for several seconds, making Sheppard begin to squirm. "Do you really believe that?"

John shrugged his shoulders. "How should I know? This is all new to me too."

"What about seeing Teyla in your dream?"

John finally looked up to meet her gaze. "Coincidence? I don't know. What makes you think I understand everything that happened?"

Kate smiled, her attempt to comfort Sheppard just making him want to slap the expression off her face.

"All right . . . let's go back to when you first realized what Kolya was doing. How did you feel when you realized he was using you for a bargaining chip?"

"Uh . . . I know this one . . . used?"

Kate sighed. "Funny, colonel. You were tied and gagged and tortured in front of your friends and teammates. That must have made you angry."

John felt his stomach clench and sweat begin to pop out on his face as he remembered how completely helpless he'd felt. He had known they were watching. He'd heard the strain in Elizabeth's voice as she tried to remain strong and do what she knew was right. He' heard the panic in Rodney's voice as he pleaded for Kolya not to continue. He remembered the utter terror that had filled him when the Wraith had first entered the room and he realized what Kolya had planned for him. He shuddered involuntarily as the small amount of soup he'd eaten began trying to make a second appearance.

"Colonel?"

"Yes . . . I was angry." He could feel his heart pumping in his chest and he felt like he couldn't breathe. The room was beginning to spin, so he closed his eyes as his hand clutched at the sheet and his ears buzzed with white noise.

Kate got to her feet as she watched all the color drain from Sheppard's face. "Colonel? What's wrong?"

Sheppard didn't respond, his fingers folded into the sheets as he leaned his head back in a pained frown and a bead of sweat ran down the side of his face. He made a strangled noise as if he was gasping for air and then slapped at his chest, as if pushing something away.

"Oh, crap," he croaked out as he sat straight up and yanked at his gown. His eyes flew open and he tried to see his chest as he probed it through the front of the now ripped cloth. "Where is it? I know he fed, where's the mark?"

"Colonel, it's all right. He's gone and the mark is gone." Now it was Kate's turn to find her heart racing as she vainly tried to calm Sheppard.

"What happened?" Beckett's voice had rarely been so welcome to anyone as it was now.

"I don't know. I asked him about what happened and . . . I think maybe it was too much. He looked sick and then he started going on about the Wraith and the feeding mark."

Carson had latched onto Sheppard's wrist, trying to push him back down to the mattress. "Colonel, it's Carson . . . I need you to calm down son, everything's all right."

Sheppard stopped trying to pull away and blinked slowly up at Beckett. "Carson?"

"Yes, it's Carson. Are you all right?"

Sheppard frowned, his lips pulled thin and his face still devoid of color. "Sick."

The nurse that had appeared to help pushed Kate aside as she grabbed a basin while Carson helped John sit back up. Just as the basin appeared in his lap, he leaned forward and emptied his stomach of its meager contents. It was quick, but still left the colonel gagging for a few seconds, fighting for control. When the dry heaves had stopped, the nurse gave him some water to rinse with and then Carson helped him lay back. Kate handed him a damp rag and he wiped his face, almost moaning at how good the coolness felt on his sweaty face.

"Colonel, are you all right now?"

Sheppard handed the rag to the nurse and nodded to Carson. "Stomach's better. Little bit of a headache."

Carson nodded. "I'll get you something for that so you can rest. I think you've had enough for one day."

John blew out a deep breath, grateful to be off the hook for the rest of the day. He hadn't expected that strong a response and he was guessing Kate hadn't either. He thought he'd tucked the events on the planet back far enough he could deal with it. The worst part was now that Kate had seen him fold almost before they had even gotten started, he was sure to be gracing her couch, figuratively if not literally, for quite a while. Now that he was improving physically, he had a feeling the hard part was yet to come.

John looked up in time to see Beckett injecting something into his IV. "There you are, colonel. That should give you some relief and relax you a bit so you can get some rest."

John nodded. "What about the DNA test?"

Beckett smiled down at him. "Don't you fret, we can do that later. You still have some healing to do, colonel, so it's not like you're going anywhere soon. Take a little nap for me and maybe we can get you a shower and some scrubs later."

John thought maybe that was the best news he'd had in a week . . . other than that he'd live. "Thanks . . . Doc . . . "

Beckett watched as his patient drifted off, thinking that the colonel still had a long way to go to get over what had happened to him. Remembering his own nightmares since Sheppard's kidnapping, he decided that probably they all did.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Note:** Sorry about the delay in posting this chapter. Life has been a bit hectic lately and time has been in short supply. Thanks for sticking with me so far.

The Gift of Life – Chapter 7

John ran his hand through his still damp hair and opened the door to the infirmary bathroom. Carson was waiting for him just outside, leaned casually against the wall as he talked to Marcy. The doctor stopped mid-sentence at the sound as he and Marcy turned toward the colonel.

"Colonel, you have a visitor. Let's just get you back to bed first, though."

John stood staring at the dark bruising around Marcy's right eye and the slightly swollen lid. At least what he could see of her actual eye looked okay.

"Colonel, back to bed and then you can gawk," said Carson lightly, taking Sheppard firmly by the elbow and steering him across the room.

Marcy giggled, which somehow seemed to lift a load off Sheppard's shoulders. He allowed himself to be helped back into bed, the much desired shower having used up all his available energy. As soon as he was settled, Carson began hooking the IV line back up to the hub of the catheter in John's hand.

"Carson, are you sure we can't just dispense with that? If I'm well enough to take a shower, I should be well enough not to have an IV." John watched with distaste as Carson finished hooking him up.

"Is that your _professional _opinion _Colonel_ Sheppard?" Beckett made no attempt to hide the annoyance in his voice. "You have yet to keep much more than a little broth down and, while your liver and renal functions are good, it takes a while to get over the effects of coming that close to a total shutdown. How about we let me decide the course of your treatment, being as I'm the one with an actual medical degree?"

Sheppard nodded sheepishly. "Sorry . . . just hate those things and . . . I'm sorry."

Beckett's expression immediately softened as he patted Sheppard on the knee. "It's all right, Colonel. I know you don't like the IV, but if I didn't feel like you needed it, it wouldn't be here. I know you're feeling better, but you still have a ways to go and there's no need to rush it. You visit with Marcy and I'll be back in a bit."

John nodded, staring at the IV line taped to his hand. "Okay . . . thanks." He looked up to find Marcy watching him, a small smile just turning up the corners of her mouth. "What?"

"You're so predictable."

John snorted. "Am not." He looked at her for a second before sighing and rolling his eyes. "Okay, so I am. Sue me." They both chuckled for a few seconds before he looked back to her, once again staring at her black eye. "Marcy, I'm – "

"Don't you dare say you're sorry again. You've already apologized an obscene amount of times. Anyone would think you'd cut my leg off or something. I've been a military nurse for a while now and I've had worse, believe me. And sometimes from lucid people who knew what they were doing. It was more my fault than yours. I was careless, didn't do what I knew to do."

John shook his head. "There's no way _me _punching _you_ in the eye could be your fault. Anyway, I . . . " He trailed off as she pointed her finger at him and shook her head, warning him not to say it. One side of his mouth turned up as he brainstormed on what to say. "I . . . uh . . . wish I hadn't hit you." He broke out into a full fledged triumphant grin.

Marcy crossed her arms. "Okay, slick. Besides, you did me a favor. After some ice and a few Tylenol, I felt a lot better and still had the whole day off. Kelly and I had a nice picnic and walked out to the east pier to get some sun this afternoon. So see, you actually did me a favor."

John smirked and shook his head again. "I doubt that, but thanks for the pep talk. I appreciate that you came to see me. You didn't have to do that."

Marcy shrugged her shoulders. "Just remember to be extra nice to me in your near and future visits. And now I have blackmail material. If you don't cooperate with me over the next few days, I can just tell people that you knocked me around."

John looked somewhat horrified for a few seconds before it registered that she was kidding. His face finally relaxed at the gleam in her eye and the distinct sounds of snickering. "Oh, whatever. Just . . . " His expression sobered. "Give me some warning next time . . . please."

Marcy nodded and placed a hand on his arm. "I will. And I'm sorry I startled you. I'll be back on duty tomorrow and maybe we could just look past this fiasco and both be a little more careful."

John smiled and nodded. "I'd like that."

Marcy seemed relieved, letting John know that she had apparently been worried about the incident, about him. He was touched that she would worry about a patient after the patient socked her in the eye. But that was what made the doctors and nurses of Atlantis special. Except for the odd transfer that didn't fit in and usually didn't stay long, they all took the care of their patients very seriously. They made each person feel like they were important as an individual.

"Hey, I better let you get some rest before Dr. Beckett gets me. I'll see you tomorrow and you do what they tell you. We have to get you back on your feet so can go torture Dr. McKay."

John rolled his eyes. "I think it's the other way around."

"Looks like a two way street from where I'm standing," Marcy said. "Take it easy, Colonel."

"Thanks and good night, Marcy," said Sheppard to her retreating back. She waved at him over her shoulder without turning around, bringing a smile to his face. Although he still felt bad about hitting her, somehow he didn't feel quite as guilty as a before. Letting his head ease back against the pillows, he closed his eyes. If he didn't hate being in the infirmary so much, he'd actually like it. How was that for irony?

"Colonel?"

Sheppard snapped his head up, realizing from the heaviness of his lids and the shock of the intruding voice that he must have dozed off. "Yeah?" he said sleepily, still not sure who had addressed him.

"Are you all right, lad?"

Sheppard rubbed his face a few times and then looked up at Beckett. "Yeah, I'm good. Guess I must have dropped off for a few minutes. What's up?"

Beckett nodded and looked around, spotting a chair and pulling it up beside the bed before plopping down in it.

"If you're sitting, that means we have something to discuss," said Sheppard warily. "I'm guessing either the DNA test or my little meltdown this afternoon."

Carson pushed out a deep puff of air. "Both actually. Kate was a little worried about what happened. She said she probably pushed you too hard too soon. She wants to try again tomorrow, but she said to assure you that she'd take it a little more slowly."

John winced and closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I don't guess I have any choice in this, do I?"

"Actually, you have a little. You can tell her to wait a few days, to give you more time to deal with it yourself. But you can't put it off indefinitely."

John sighed loudly and shook his head. "And that just pushes back how long it will take me to get cleared. Tell her to come back tomorrow." He laughed, low and bitter. "Maybe she should come before lunch, though."

"All right, I'll let her know. Part two is that I got the results of your DNA test back."

John looked up at Beckett, frowning even before he heard the verdict because he was pretty sure there were no good answers. "Okay, Doc, what'd you find?"

"There has been a small addition to your DNA."

Sheppard let his head fall back against the pillows, staring straight ahead, but not really seeing the infirmary. "Wraith?"

Beckett sighed. "Probably, but to be honest, I can't say for sure. It's a smaller sequence than what Teyla has and, although there are some similarities, there are some differences as well. Due to the timing of its appearance, it almost certainly came from your friend, most likely when he was restoring your life. It'd be very easy to insert the genetic sequence while restoring life back to your cells."

"Great. Now I'm what . . . part Ancient, part Wraith? Hey, and let's not forget I was part bug for a while, heck, I was mostly bug for a while. I guess that makes me the biggest freak in two galaxies." Sheppard laughed out loud as he closed his eyes and shook his head. "At this rate, I won't be human much longer. I'm not sure if I still am now."

"Now, colonel, it's not all that bad. You're still human, for sure. You just have a few little additions, that's all. And we both know Rodney is still jealous of the Ancient addition, even if he won't admit it."

Sheppard nodded, slowly and reluctantly. "Okay, I'll admit that now that I've kind of gotten used to it, I would probably miss the Atlantis connection. And I would definitely miss flying the puddle jumpers."

Beckett nodded and smiled. "There, not so bad after all. And the bug DNA is all gone, I've told you that on numerous occasions."

John frowned slightly and cocked his head a little to one side. "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive," Beckett said confidently.

"Only fools are positive."

Beckett's eyes widened and he snapped his fingers a few times. "Oh, wait, I know this one . . . you've told me before . . . Moss Valley, right?" Beckett grinned proudly.

Sheppard just frowned deeply in disappointment. "Ah, you were so close. The movie is Fern Gully. Moss Valley? Honestly, Doc, where do you come up with this stuff?"

Beckett snorted and crossed his arms. "Well, I'm sorry that I have better things to do than keep up with all your movie and cartoon references."

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes as the mood slid back into a more serious one. Sheppard finally took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before turning back to face Beckett. "So, what does this new sequence mean exactly?"

Beckett shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands in an expression that said he didn't really know. "I'm not sure, but I can make some observations and guesses."

Sheppard nodded. "Okay, observe and guess away."

"Since the strand is much shorter than Teyla's, I'm guessing you can't connect with the Wraith like Teyla can."

"That's one small favor," John murmured.

"I'm thinking it serves as either just a connection to the one Wraith and possibly only under special circumstances or that it may just be a marker. It may be a way for him to seek you out and communicate with you or it may just mark you so that if another Wraith tried to feed, he would know that you had been restored by a Wraith. It may be some combination of all these."

"So when the Wraith was in my dream, he may have actually been in my head?"

"Possibly, there's no way to be certain at this point."

"But you don't think I can communicate with the Wraith the way Teyla can?"

"No, I don't."

John looked at the wall across from him as he thought. "You know, there is one way to find out."

"No!"

Beckett's sharp retort surprised John. "Doc?"

Beckett shook his head. "You aren't strong enough and you haven't dealt with the trauma of any of what's happened in the last week. You need to get your strength back before you try something like contacting the Wraith."

"Doc . . . you said it probably wouldn't work anyway."

"I know perfectly well what I said, colonel. There's nothing wrong with my memory or my hearing. I used words like probably and maybe for a reason. We don't know. You aren't to try anything until you're stronger and only then with monitoring. Is that clear?"

"Okay, Doc, okay, you win. We'll try it later." John was a little surprised at the strength of Beckett's reaction to his suggestion.

Beckett relaxed and his smile came back. "I don't want you to worry about any of this. We'll get it all sorted out eventually and none of this makes you a freak. Changing the subject, do you feel like eating anything?"

John wasn't really hungry, but he wasn't feeling sick either. He knew he needed to eat if he was ever going to get rid of the IV, much less get out of the infirmary. "Yeah, I could eat."

"Good. Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon were going to bring you some supper and it's just about time for them to get here."

John nodded. "Doc . . . don't tell them. I think it needs to come from me."

Beckett nodded. "It's up to you, colonel I can tell them if you want."

"Just send them my way and I'll talk to them."

"All right, I will. Let me know if you need anything." Beckett got up and headed for his office leaving John to contemplate his newest problem.

Less than half an hour later, John's three teammates showed up with a tray of food for him. They brought vegetable soup, a few crackers, and four dishes of red Jell-o. John looked at the tray before him, his eyes wide.

"Uh, guys, how much Jell-o did you think I needed?"

Rodney rolled his eyes in exaggerated fashion and sighed loudly as he grabbed a plate of the wiggly dessert. "Oh, please, you can't possibly think we brought all of this to you. I got some for all of us so we could at least eat dessert together."

John grinned slyly at McKay. "I thought you were going to save me pie."

McKay shifted in the chair he had settled in and mumbled something incoherent as he stuffed his mouth full of Jell-o. He made a point of being obsessed with his food and completely ignored the eyes that he knew were on him. When he had practically licked the plate clean, he finally let his eyes drift up, hoping he wouldn't make contact. Hazel eyes, touched with understanding, pierced his.

"I take it you heard about . . . what happened with Kate?"

McKay swallowed hard and nodded. "I knew I should have stayed. Talk about getting your license from a Cracker Jack box."

John grinned. "You better not let her or Carson hear you say that."

Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "She's too pushy. She should have given you more time."

John rubbed the back of his neck and moved his head to one side, stretching his tired muscles. "She was just trying to help."

Rodney's mouth dropped open and blinked slowly a couple of times. "I'm sorry . . . I thought I heard you defend Kate Heightmeyer."

"He is right, Dr. Heightmeyer was just trying to help," offered Teyla.

"That may be, but she pushed too hard too fast and Sheppard was the one who suffered."

"I'm fine, so could we just drop it?" asked Sheppard sharply, his face lined with tension.

Silence filled the room as the three friends eyed Sheppard. Rodney finally held out his hands defensively. "Fine, you're right. Not my business anyway. Consider the matter dropped. Eat your soup before it gets cold and Carson pokes us all with something sharp for disturbing your dinner."

Sheppard picked up his spoon and dipped it into the soup, feeling very uncomfortable at the way his little scene from earlier had now developed into a new scene. He ate the soup, not really tasting it as he thought about how out of control he seemed to be right now. He had to pull in his emotions and his fear and his anger and get back on track. Looking down at the sound of his spoon clinking on the side of the bowl, he realized the bowl was empty. At least Carson would be happy.

John looked at the Jell-o for a few seconds, but decided he was too full. Pushing the tray table away from him a bit, he leaned back against the pillows. He found it hard not to smile at Rodney eyeing his uneaten dessert. "Rodney, would you like my Jell-o?"

Rodney licked his lips, but still looked uncertain. "Are you sure?"

John smiled, feeling a bit of the tension from earlier dissolve at the return to what was a normal conversation for them. "Go ahead, I'm not eating it."

Rodney nodded and picked up the small plate. "Well, we wouldn't want it to go to waste."

John watched as Teyla and Ronon exchanged a look. Taking a deep breath, he decided it was time to tell his team what Beckett had discovered. "Carson got the results of the DNA test." Rodney's hand stopped halfway to his mouth and then dropped back down to the plate.

"They showed a small addition to my DNA that is probably from the Wraith. He said it's smaller and slightly different from the Wraith DNA that Teyla has, so he isn't sure what the implications are yet. He thinks it may be either a small link to that one Wraith or just a marker saying I've been previously fed on and saved. We won't know for sure until we explore a little, and he's not ready to let me do that right now."

Rodney sighed and his features relaxed. "Thank goodness for that. At least Carson attended an accredited sheep herding school."

Ronon frowned heavily and pushed off the wall he had been leaning on. "I guess there's no way to get rid of it?" The idea of a Wraith even touching him, let alone leaving something behind in him left him almost shaking with rage.

"No," said Sheppard quietly. "Not outside of killing me." He looked up at the former runner, his face sad as he wondered if his friendship with the big guy had just been irrevocably compromised.

Ronon growled as he paced, causing even Teyla to look on worriedly. She could almost feel the heat of his rage radiating into the room. Looking to John, she worried about how he would view the Satedan's anger, if he would assume it to be directed at him. She did not want to see anything come between their friendship, feeling that they both needed it.

"Next time I see Kolya, he's dead," mouthed Ronon between clenched teeth.

"Not if I see him first." Teyla looked from John's cold eyes to Rodney to see him looking almost as pale as she felt. There was something in John's voice she had never heard before, and it sent a wave of shivers down her spine. She moved over to stand closer to John's side and take his hand in hers.

"You must not let your anger consume you. You're too good for that. Whatever happens, we are your friends and we will stand by you. The addition may mean nothing. If does have some impact, it could turn out to be a good thing at times, just as my ability to sense the Wraith can be positive. We must have faith and stand together, and the rest will come."

John looked into her wide, dark eyes and he believed her. He knew these were his friends and they had proven they would stand beside him. He just had to hang onto that and quit letting his doubts get in the way. Suddenly all the fears from the day seemed less important. They weren't gone, but they at least seemed manageable.

"Thanks," he whispered, his voice rough and barely audible. Teyla smiled and leaned her head forward. He copied her motion so that their foreheads touched. He looked back up as a strong hand clasped him on the shoulder, almost knocking him over. No need to see who that had belonged to. Then Rodney appeared beside Teyla, looking uneasy and out of place. He finally settled on giving Sheppard a light pat on the opposite shoulder from the one Ronon had just smacked. John finally realized that it didn't really matter if he was a freak, he still had the best team in the galaxy.

oOo

John lay staring at the ceiling through the darkness of the nighttime infirmary. He wasn't sure how long he'd been awake, but it had been a while. He'd awoken from a nightmare with a silent gasp that hadn't attracted any unwanted attention, only to find he couldn't bring himself to think about sleep again. He wasn't sure what was worse, the old nightmare about being fed on, or the new one that had appeared tonight, in which he turned into a Wraith and proceeded to feed on all his friends.

He briefly wondered about whether he could contact the Wraith, the way Teyla had been able to in the past. Carson seemed pretty sure he couldn't. Looking around the infirmary, he only saw one other patient and one nurse at the desk on the other end of the room. He turned on his side, his face away from her.

John took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes, concentrating on reaching out to the Wraith the way Teyla had explained that she did. He thought about the inside of a hive ship and made his mind conjure up images of ships he'd been on in the past. When that didn't work, he thought of contacting a Wraith and talking to him. Focusing his every thought on making contact with his enemy for over thirty minutes did nothing but give him a headache and make him tired. When he finally gave up, the relief was overwhelming.

He smiled as he flipped back over on his back. Carson had been right. There wasn't enough DNA to set up a connection with the Wraith in general. He was too tired to explore the other option, so he decided to save that for later. Of course the real question was, how was he going to explain to the good doctor that he knew he couldn't connect to the Wraith because he'd already tried it, against doctor's orders? He almost chuckled out loud. Surely they had figured out by now that he had a slight tendency to disobey direct orders. John was still smiling when he drifted off to sleep a few minutes later.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

The Gift of Love – Chapter 8

"What are you up to?"

John threw the remaining cards in his hand down on the tray table as he sighed and shook his head. "Losing game number twenty one of solitaire. Did you come to rescue me from this nightmare?"

Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "I just came to tell you that Teyla and Ronon went to the mainland for the day. Apparently the Athosians have some crisis that requires her attention. She said to express her apologies at not being able to come tell you herself, but her ride was on some kind of a tight schedule."

John listened as he stacked the cards up, arranging them in an even pile before placing them face down on the table. "No problem. I know all of you have to be sick of hanging around the infirmary watching me sleep and stuff."

"No, the sleeping is okay. It's the almost dying that got old. Think you could cut back on that for a while?"

John grinned as he looked from the cards up to Rodney. "I sure plan on trying."

Rodney returned the smile as he nodded. "Thanks. We'd appreciate that."

"Hey, wanna play Go Fish? Or maybe King on the Corner?"

Rodney's eyebrows shot up. "I haven't played King on the Corner since I was a kid. Let's play that."

"You got it."

Rodney gave John's legs a push. "Scoot over so I can sit down. If I have to entertain you when I should be working, then I'm going to sit while I do it."

John moved his whole body over to his left, making room for Rodney to sit on the edge of the bed. "How's that?"

"Good. I'm not sure I remember all of this, so you may have to remind me about how this game works."

"No problem," replied John as he set the game up. "I'm just thankful to do something besides lose at solitaire."

Rodney smirked. "You know the only way to win at that game is to cheat, don't you?"

"That's the sad part . . . I was cheating. And I still couldn't win."

Rodney eyed him carefully for several seconds. "Hey, you want to place a bet on this game?"

John lifted his gaze from the cards and narrowed his eyes at Rodney. "I thought you said you weren't sure you remembered how to play this game."

"I don't, but playing against a man who loses even when he cheats, how can I go wrong?"

John wrinkled his face in frown that looked almost like he had gotten a whiff of something foul smelling. "Very funny. You're on. How about a candy bar for every game?"

"Make it two."

John didn't hesitate. "Okay, two it is. Prepare to lose all your chocolate, sucker."

Rodney just laughed an exaggerated laugh. "_You_ are the sucker in this deal."

"We'll see," replied the colonel.

Thirty minutes later, Marcy came up to them and stood watching until they completed the game they were playing. "Okay, guys, before you start another one, I need the colonel's blood pressure and such for his chart, so break time."

Rodney stood and stretched. "Just as well, I could use some coffee anyway."

John looked up at Rodney as the scientist moved around. "Look, Rodney, thanks for keeping me entertained, but I know you have stuff to do. You don't have to hang around. I'm okay."

Rodney shook his head. "No, it's okay. I just need to get me a cup of coffee. How about if I make a run to the mess and then I'll be right back so we can continue our little competition. I'm behind two candy bars at the moment."

"Bring me a cup," said John. 

"Colonel, you know better than that!" Marcy said sharply.

John bobbed his head to one side. "I figured it couldn't hurt to try."

Marcy sighed and rolled her eyes. "You're hopeless, you know that?"

John just smiled innocently. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yeah, I bet. Dr. McKay, Dr. Heightmeyer will be here shortly to talk to the colonel, so now might be a good time for you to take a break for a while. Why don't you come back after lunch?"

McKay's eyes widened. "She's coming back . . . after what happened? Is she crazy? Does Carson know about this?"

John sighed. "It's okay, Rodney. I'll be fine."

Rodney grumbled for a few seconds before going silent and then looking back up at John. "That's what you said yesterday. I don't think this is a good idea. It's too soon."

"No, it's not. I told you I'm fine. The sooner I get her little talks over with and behind me, the sooner I can get back to active duty. I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but I'm feeling better enough that I'm bored almost to death. I need to be out of here." He paused a second before looking down. "I _need_ this to be over with so I can move on."

McKay wanted to continue to object, but he couldn't seem to get the words to move beyond his mouth.

"I'll keep an eye on him," said Marcy.

Rodney and John both looked at Marcy, the bruises on her face standing out in the bright infirmary lights. Rodney nodded. "Okay. Make sure she doesn't push him too much." He turned to John. "I'll bring us both some lunch, so don't let her upset you too much."

John grinned, feeling a little silly, but genuinely touched at the way people were watching out for him. "If she does, I'll just sock her in the eye."

Marcy rolled her eyes as she got out the thermometer. "Oh for heaven's sake, the things I put up with."

oOo

"Good morning, colonel," said Kate Heightmeyer as she settled in the chair beside Sheppard's bed. "I just want to say that I'm sorry about what happened yesterday and we'll try to steer clear of anything like that again."

John pushed himself back into the pillows mounded up behind him. He was tired of being in bed and craving another walk around the infirmary, partially to expend some of the tension that had been building since Marcy reminded him Heightmeyer was coming. "I don't think it'll be a problem today," he said simply.

"That's good. You let me know if we start delving into an area you don't feel ready to discuss just yet."

John bit his lower lip in an effort not to tell the woman that he would never be ready to talk about any of this with her because he knew he'd just be wasting his breath. "Fine," was all he could get out. He glanced over to see Marcy restocking a shelf not far from them, sliding her eyes over to watch and monitor the situation. He coughed to keep from laughing out loud and probably getting her caught.

"Colonel, are you all right?"

John drank from the water glass on his side table. "Yeah, just a little tickle. Let's do this."

Kate nodded. "I've been thinking about all the things that happened with the Wraith on the planet. He fed off you and almost killed you in the process, and then he gave you those years back, saving your life. I was wondering how you feel about him after that, if maybe that's produced some conflicting feelings about him."

John sighed and twisted the hem of the sheet in his hand. "Yeah, you could say that. It's real hard to completely hate someone who saved your life."

"But he was also the instrument of your torture and caused you great physical pain."

John nodded.

"So, how do you feel about that? Are you angry?"

"Of course I'm angry! Who wouldn't be? The question is who to be angry at. Do you blame the Wraith or the master?" John's eyes seemed to be focusing on something far away.

"What?" Kate leaned forward, sensing that Sheppard had just relived something.

John's voice was soft and low. "The Wraith asked me if I blamed him or the master. He said the Wraith had to feed to live . . . and he's right." He shook his head sadly. "He said he was being tortured by being held there and starved."

"Do you believe that?"

"I . . . I didn't at first, but now . . . I'm not so sure." John rubbed his forehead, trying to rub out some of the tension.

"Do you blame him for feeding on you, for taking years from your life?"

John sat staring at his feet for several seconds. "Part of me realized that I'm just food to the Wraith, we all are. They look at us like we look at hamburger and chicken at the grocery store. But the reality is that we're more than that and I think they either don't want to know or don't care. In his case . . . I think he didn't want to know, but now he does. So yes, part of me blames him."

"What about the fact that he gave back the years that he took and saved your life?"

John sighed. "There is that." He sat for a few seconds before looking up at Kate. He didn't understand why this was necessary. He could never make her understand, and if she could never understand, how was she supposed to help him? "Look, I'll be honest. There is no way that you'll ever understand how I feel because I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me hates him for being the instrument of the worst torture I've ever suffered through and part of me is very grateful to him for not leaving me a pitiful old man. We shared something no one should ever have to experience. I got to know him a little and I saw a side to him I would never have associated with any Wraith." John looked a bit lost as he frowned at her and said softly, "He laughed at my jokes."

John quickly looked down, as if he'd revealed some important secret that he shouldn't have. Kate was taken aback. She wasn't sure what she had thought he was going to admit to, but that had never entered her mind. The Wraith had laughed at his jokes.

"Colonel, that is a very normal thing to share with friends and coworkers, laughing at a joke. That gave your time together an abnormal sense of normalcy that you're having a hard time processing. To joke with your mortal enemy can be a disorienting event."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"What happens now? What if you meet him again?"

"I told him if we meet again, all bets are off."

Kate watched him for several seconds, trying to look beyond the lack of expression on his face. "Can you do that? Could you kill him?"

Sheppard looked down at his hands. "I don't know," he said quietly. "I guess that's what scares me. What if I hesitate and get one of my team killed?"

Kate breathed deeply, realizing this was important to everyone in Atlantis. "Is that what you think will happen, that you'll hesitate?"

John shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think so, but I can't be sure."

"I wouldn't worry too much about it, colonel. I think you'll feel more confident after you put a little time between yourself and the events. What about Kolya? I know you're angry with him over what happened. What happens the next time you see him?"

"He dies." He looked up at Kate, the cold, bitter hatred in his eyes surprising her. "I don't let him walk the next time I see him."

"What if he's not a threat?"

John snorted. "Kolya will always be a threat to Atlantis and her people. He won't stop coming after us . . . ever. The next time I see him, I kill him. I promised him that and that's one promise I intend to keep."

Kate frowned, concerned and a little afraid. "Colonel . . . it almost sounds like you're talking about murder."

John narrowed his eyes at her. "You call it whatever you want. He barged into the city during the storm and killed two men when he didn't have to. He almost killed Elizabeth and Rodney, he would have if that had gone on much longer. He had every intention of killing us on Dagan, and when we turned the tables on him, I let him go. Now this. He has to be stopped before he kills someone else and possibly damages Atlantis."

"And you're sure it's not just revenge?" Kate watched his face for any sign of what was going on in his head.

"It's a lot of things, doctor. But I will not stand by and watch him kill anyone else. This ends the minute I find him. I will kill him and you can think what you want, but keep in mind it might be your life I'm saving in the long run. Kolya doesn't much care who he kills to achieve his goals." John took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Could we quit for today? I'm tired."

Kate nodded, feeling a bit drained herself. "Yes, I think that's a good idea. Get some rest, colonel, and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Looking forward to it." The sarcasm was not disguised, but Kate ignored it and nodded before turning and leaving.

John hadn't lied about being tired, so he lay there contemplating the value of a short nap.

"Colonel . . . are you okay?"

John opened his eyes to find Marcy looking at him, concern in her eyes. "I'm fine, thanks. No melt down today, I'm just tired."

Marcy smiled and nodded. "How about if I lower your bed a bit and you can rest before Dr. McKay returns with your lunch."

John nodded. "Yeah, I think that'd be good."

Marcy complied and then fussed with his blankets until he was sufficiently tucked in. "Call me if you need anything."

John responded with a yawn and a nod, leaving Marcy to smile before she left. John rolled onto his side and curled up under the warm blanket, allowing his body to relax. Within seconds his thoughts went back to the Wraith from the planet and his earlier discussion. In spite of what he'd said on the planet, he had serious doubts about whether he could kill the creature unless it was attacking him or one of his team.

. . . _and our brothers._

The Wraith's words echoed in his head, along with Beckett's discovery of his little DNA addition. What did it mean? He was positive he couldn't connect to Wraith the way Teyla did, but what if he could connect to just the one. He found himself concentrating on doing just that. John reached out with his mind, searching for the Wraith, until he felt like he was moving through space.

John found himself standing somewhere else, outside Atlantis. Looking around, it took only a few seconds to recognize the surroundings: a hive ship.

"You are learning, Sheppard."

John's head jerked forward at the sound of the familiar voice to see the Wraith standing a few feet away. He was dressed differently than before, but in traditional Wraith clothing. He both looked and sounded stronger, but there was no malice in his face.

"I guess this means you found a ride," said John. "A meal too, from the look and sound of you." He wasn't sure, but thought the Wraith looked almost sad.

"I have to eat Sheppard, just as you do. You are better and you have found part of your gift."

John nodded, still letting his eyes dart around and take in the surroundings, looking for any signs of company. "Yeah, our doctor found it. Looks like you made a deposit in my DNA . . . my code. I was kind of wondering about the point of that. Is that part of the brotherhood thing?"

The Wraith chuckled and John found himself relaxing a little, in spite of his internal warnings not to.

"You have already found one use of it. You have been given a small part of my . . . code . . . so that we may find one another if needed. It is a way of sharing or calling for help among brothers or trusted worshippers."

"Uh, look, no offense, but what if I don't want to share. This is kind of a security risk for my people. We aren't looking to be any one's lunch any time soon, if you get my drift."

The Wraith chuckled again. "It is under your control as well as mine. If I call to you, you may close your mind off and not receive me. Or, you may choose the meeting place, as with the place by the lake from before."

John scratched his head. "About that, I didn't call for you, so how did you end up in my head?"

"You were ill and your mind cried out for help. I heard it and came to see what was distressing you. I had feared that feeding on you over many times would cause you greater harm than I could repair, and it turned out to be so. Even then, your mind was subconsciously keeping me at bay by selecting a neutral meeting place. You are well trained and well disciplined, Sheppard."

John gave a half-hearted smile. "I've had lots of practice. So, I'm here because I tried to contact you and you let me in?"

"That is correct. The code will also mark you as mine with any other Wraith that tries to feed. They will know almost instantly that you are my brother. Wraith that are in my cluster will honor that and let you live if they feel no threat from you. Wraith outside my cluster will probably relish feeding on you all the more."

John winced. "Oh, great, that's good to know. So you guys really aren't all together on this feeding and sharing the wealth thing?"

The Wraith shook his head. "We are no longer united as we once were. It is sad to see so many depart from the old ways. I am old, older than most, as you have noticed. But I am still strong and I will fight to establish once again what once was." He laughed and shook his head. "But this is not of your concern. You are still learning, Sheppard, but you learn quickly. I have enjoyed meeting you, human. I have learned much also."

"Is there anything else I should know about this little DNA present?"

"You know what is of importance. Now, Sheppard, what if we are to meet again? Are all bets still off?"

John didn't answer immediately, because he didn't know what to say. He was suddenly thrown up against the side of the ship. Looking around frantically, he saw the Wraith standing still and watching him. He felt like he was in an earthquake and yet none of this seemed to affect the Wraith. "What's going on?"

The Wraith smiled at him in his typical, knowing fashion. "Your friends are calling you back. Think hard about your answer, Sheppard."

John felt like he was tossed around again, followed by the distinct feeling of falling. His hands flew out instinctively and a set of hands gripped each arm.

"Colonel?"

The hands grounded him and the falling sensation stopped as quickly as it had begun. John's eyes snapped open to see Marcy and Carson's worried faces staring down at him. He pulled his arms back from their now loosened grip.

"What happened?" Rubbing his eyes, he became aware of the steady thrumming of a headache behind his eyes and radiating out into his temples.

Marcy and Beckett straightened up and backed away a bit, revealing a frightened Rodney standing a few feet away holding two trays. Carson sighed, still looking concerned. "I came to tell you Rodney was here with your lunch and I couldn't wake you. It was like you were in a trance or something."

John cleared his throat, trying to process what had just happened while dealing with the three worried people before him. He watched as Rodney set the trays down and stepped up to stand beside Carson. "Where were you colonel?" The scientist's eyes almost seemed to bore into John.

John swallowed hard and tried to think of how he should answer. He knew he was in trouble for his unauthorized experiment, and yet he figured he was in trouble if he tried to hide it from them as well. Carson and Rodney both crossed their arms at almost the same time, making for a rather intimidating force.

"You might as well just tell them, Colonel," said Marcy. "We know something was going on and if you don't tell Dr. Beckett what, he's going to want to run all kinds of tests to try and figure it out for himself."

The last thing John wanted was yet another round of tests. He felt at a distinct disadvantage lying down while they hovered over him. Beckett's lack of an offer to help him sit up was probably not an oversight.

"I, uh, kind of . . . that is I sort of . . . visited the Wraith on a hive ship."

"What?" they all three said in unison.

"Are you daft?" asked Carson.

"I knew it, I knew you were crazy!" Rodney said.

"Colonel, what were you thinking?" asked Marcy.

John sighed and rubbed at the increasing ache in his temples. He heard Carson calling Elizabeth on his radio while Rodney and Marcy discussed the possibility of brain damage, and wondered if his Wraith brother had a spare room on the hive ship.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**Note:** Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews. You guys are the BEST!!!!

The Gift of Life – Chapter 9

Marcy handed John two Tylenol and a cup of water as Carson finished raising the head of the bed. "Thanks," said the colonel, tossing the pills in his mouth before downing the drink.

"Colonel, I expect you to let me know if that becomes more than the average headache," said Carson firmly.

Rodney snorted and shook his head. "Oh, please, think about who you're talking to here."

John glared at Rodney and then frowned. "Not helping, Rodney."

Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, if the shoe fits . . . "

"Still, not helping." John squirmed in the bed, trying to get comfortable as he adjusted the covers around him. "I've really got to get out of here soon." He stilled as he looked up to find Beckett staring down at him with his arms crossed.

"In that case, you might want to try following your doctor's advice occasionally."

John scooted down further in the bed as his face flushed slightly. "Uh, yeah, about that . . . I'm sorry, doc. I just kind of . . . got to thinking about it and the next thing I knew, I was there."

Before Carson could respond, they were all distracted by Elizabeth entering the infirmary and making her way quickly over to John's bed. She looked worried, which only made John feel even more guilty.

"All right, Carson, what's this about John contacting the Wraith? I wouldn't have expected you to let him try something like that so soon, not to mention the fact that I should be kept in the loop when anyone around here feels an urge to contact the enemy."

Carson sighed. "I told him _not_ to attempt it, actually, but apparently he thought he knew better. When I came to tell him Rodney was here with his lunch, we couldn't get him awake for several minutes. Apparently he was checking out his connection to the Wraith by visiting him on a hive ship."

"John!" Elizabeth's stern voice brought glances from the other two patients in the infirmary and a couple of the nurses. "What were you thinking? You not only could have endangered yourself, but you could have given away Atlantis."

"The connection isn't to Wraith in general, like Teyla, it's only to the one Wraith from the planet. I went to him on the hive ship, not the other way around. I know better than to give Atlantis away." John's tone and expression were definitely defensive in nature.

"How do you know for sure it's not broadcast to all Wraith in the area?" asked Rodney.

"Uh . . . I tried that already and it didn't work. Plus, the Wraith told me it was only between me and him.'

"You tried it already?" Elizabeth closed her eyes and set her forehead in her hand while closing her eyes. "John, sometimes . . . "

"Look, Beckett was already pretty sure it wouldn't work before I tried it. I just . . . I've been a little freaked at having Wraith DNA on top of Ancient DNA, you know? I had to know if there was a connection." John needed them to understand why he had done what he had. He hadn't had any intention of endangering Atlantis, or even himself. He just had to know where he stood in this whole mess.

Elizabeth stared at him for several seconds. As the fear and anger began to subside, she could see that his expression was pleading for her to understand. While she knew she could never truly understand what he was feeling, she could imagine the hurt and confusion that was probably there. How could she stay mad at him? "All right, John, I guess I can understand the need to know. It doesn't mean I approve or think it was particularly smart, but I can empathize with your reasons."

John breathed out a long, deep breath. "Thanks. I plead diminished capacity from . . . uh . . . my recent near death experiences." He sighed and ran his hand through his already unruly hair. "Actually, I don't think that's far from the truth. My thoughts seem to be a bit muddled lately."

Carson patted John on the shoulder. "I think we can definitely understand that reaction, Colonel. Just promise me you won't try that on your own again."

John nodded. "Okay, Doc. You got it."

"Well," said Rodney. "The least you can do is tell us what happened when you met the Wraith."

John nodded and recounted everything that was said between the two, ending with his realizing he was back in the infirmary.

"What would you have told him if we hadn't pulled you back?" asked Rodney.

John picked at the edge of the blanket. "I don't know."

"You need to figure it out before we step through that gate again."

"I know that," snapped John. He took a breath and then looked up at Rodney. "Sorry, I'm just . . . on edge a little."

Rodney looked around at the tray he brought and then back to John. "I think you're lunch is cold. You want me to get you another?"

John craned his neck, trying to see the tray. "What did you bring me?"

Rodney grinned. "Real food this time, not that broth and Jell-o stuff you've been eating. They had chicken and dumplings today and it was actually pretty good."

John's expression lit up. "I love chicken and dumplings. Do you mind?"

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Well, of course I mind, but since you've probably worn yourself out visiting your friend, the life-sucking enemy, then I guess I'll do it anyway. Be back in a few minutes." Rodney picked up the tray and headed out of the infirmary.

John grinned as he watched his teammate leave. Looking up at Elizabeth and Carson, he noticed them smiling as well. "Carson, I don't suppose I'm ever going to get out of here?"

Carson snorted. "You'd think that after recent events. However . . . your test results are looking good. Everything is pretty much back within normal parameters. I'd like to monitor you a bit longer, especially after your little unauthorized trip, but if all stays looking well, I'll probably let you go the morning after tomorrow."

John nodded. "Thank goodness. No offense Carson, I appreciate your taking care of me and everything, but I'm ready to get back to my quarters and have some privacy. This whole deal with the Wraith DNA isn't exactly helping."

"Aye, I understand Colonel. No offense taken."

"How about I keep you company until Rodney gets back with your lunch? I haven't seen you much lately. You look like you're feeling pretty good." Elizabeth sat down in a chair as she spoke and Carson gave a small wave as he wandered away.

"I am. I'm feeling well enough that staying in bed most of the day is driving me nuts."

"Just be patient. You'll be out of here and back on missions in no time." Elizabeth took a deep breath, her smile slowly fading away. "You really scared me this time. I didn't see any way out of this one . . . I was sure that you were . . . "

"But I'm not. It's okay . . . I'm okay. I guess someone's watching over me." John smiled, trying to cheer Elizabeth up even though he knew how she felt. He'd been sure that was his last mission as well. Fortunately, fate seemed to have other ideas.

"That they are, John Sheppard." The smile returned, if a little forced. "I'm certainly glad you have a guardian angel, because if anyone ever needed one, it's you."

oOo

John tried to push his hands in his pockets before remembering the scrub pants didn't have any. "Dang," he muttered as he walked down the hallway.

"Forgot about the pockets again, didn't you?" asked Kelly, walking along beside him. She'd seen his hands moving up and down the side of his thighs, searching for the pockets that weren't there.

"Yep. You'd think I could remember something simple like that as many times as I've worn scrubs in the last three years."

"Did you spend this much time in the infirmary before you came to Atlantis?"

John snickered. "No, not quite this much time, although I did visit once or twice."

"Yeah, I bet," replied Kelly, grinning widely.

They looked up to see McKay round the corner at the end of the hall, coming to a sudden stop a few feet away when he saw them. "Colonel? Why are you wandering the halls in your scrubs? Are you escaping?"

John rolled his eyes. "Yes, Rodney, I'm escaping. That's why I brought a nurse with me, so I would be sure and get caught."

Rodney stood with his mouth open for a few seconds, eyeing Kelly. "Oh, yeah, right. Well, I always did think you were one taco short a combination plate."

"Well, thank you, _Tigger," _said John as Rodney fell into step beside them.

Kelly snorted as she looked quizzically at the two friends. "I'm not sure I want to know why the two of you know so many cartoon references."

"Why _are _you out here?" asked Rodney, ignoring Kelly's statement.

"Carson said I could walk down to the balcony for a few minutes and stretch my legs, but he made me bring an escort," said John, nodding his head over toward Kelly. "But at least she's good company."

"Thank you," said Kelly. "I think."

John opened the door as they reached the balcony. Kelly paused before walking through. "I can leave you two alone if Dr. McKay will promise to get you back to the infirmary."

McKay nodded. "Yes, yes, of course, I'll bring him back on one piece."

Kelly grinned at the two. "Okay, but don't stay too long. Dr. Beckett doesn't want the colonel to tire himself out."

"I'm fine," said John adamantly. "There's nothing wrong with me any more."

"Well, Dr. Beckett just wants to be sure before he releases you. Now can I trust you to behave yourself and come back to the infirmary in a few minutes?"

"I'll be good, Kelly. I promise."

Kelly squinted her eyes a few seconds, studying Sheppard carefully. "All right. I'll see you back in the infirmary." She turned and walked back down the hall as the two men made their way onto the balcony.

John leaned against the railing, sucking in a deep breath of fresh air. It took several breaths before the infirmary smell began to dissipate. The sun was beginning to set on the horizon and several colors streaked across the sky, almost like multicolored ribbons. John hadn't realized how closed in he had begun to feel until he got a taste of the outdoors again.

"How are you doing? And don't just say fine or you're good. Give me a real answer."

John looked over at Rodney, seeing the worry on his face and reflected in his eyes. "I'm actually doing pretty well. Labs are pretty much back to normal and I feel pretty good. I get tired faster, but other than that, I'm ready to go. Beckett said he might release me day after tomorrow."

Rodney shifted his weight, but kept his gaze firmly on Sheppard. "That's good . . . but that's not what I meant."

"Oh," said John, looking back out to the ocean. "I'm better. I still have nightmares, but not as often. If I think about it, I can still see him standing over me, I can still feel the pain of him feeding off me." He shuddered involuntarily, catching himself off guard. "I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that or not be afraid of it happening again. But I don't think of it as often and I can get through the day without wanting to flip out now."

They stood in silence for several minutes, enjoying the soft breeze and the company of a friend as the light slowly faded away. The balcony doors opened and they turned, expecting Carson or one of the nurses. Teyla and Ronon came through the door.

"Colonel, it is good to see you up and around," said Teyla, a smile widening as she neared Sheppard. "Kelly told us we could find you here."

"How was the trip to the mainland? I hope you got everything settled," said John.

Teyla nodded as she and Ronon joined them at the railing. "Yes. I'm afraid it is an old dispute between two families that reappears every few years. We have it settled, at least for now. Halling and Jinto send their warmest regards for your return to health. Jinto wants you to visit soon and play football."

John grinned. "That's a good idea. I haven't been to see them in a while and Jinto's developing into quite a player."

"I played with him for a while, but it wasn't the same as playing with Colonel Sheppard," said Ronon. "It seems I don't know all the rules and the cool moves. And, I didn't just get my life restored by a Wraith. I think you have your own following now."

John sighed and looked down, shaking his head. "Why did you tell them?"

"I wanted to find out if any of my people had ever heard of such a thing happening before, but none of them had. They were . . . amazed."

Ronon grinned at Sheppard. "Be prepared for quite a welcome the next time you go. You may have women offering to have your children."

"And that would be different how?" asked Rodney.

"Guys, this is not funny. Now I can never go back to the mainland again," lamented John.

"It is not as bad as Ronon makes it to be," assured Teyla.

Ronon laughed out loud. "Yes it is."

"Crap," muttered John.

"Hold it," said Rodney, holding his index finger up as he raised his other hand up to his radio and nodded. "Okay, keep your pants on. We'll have him back in a few minutes. He won't break, you know." Rodney paused and frowned. "There's no reason to get ugly about it. I said we'd be there in a minute."

Rodney lowered both arms and looked around at the others. "We have to get the colonel back to the infirmary before Carson comes after us with large needles and probes and such. Come on Colonel."

John didn't want to go back, but he didn't feel like fighting with Carson and he was getting a little tired. "I'm coming," he mumbled as he headed for the balcony door, his team right behind him.

oOo

Carson closed the door to Elizabeth's office as he and Kate took a seat. Elizabeth waited for them to get settled before beginning. "Okay, Carson, why don't you begin? John's been out of the infirmary for a week. How is he doing?"

Carson nodded. "Aye, he has. I did another round of tests yesterday and everything looks good. His results are all normal and he's doing well regaining his strength. I even let him jog with Ronon this morning and he was fine afterward. Physically, he's almost good as new."

Elizabeth smiled, pleased that her second in command was healthy after his close encounter with death. "What do you suggest as far as going back to duty?"

"I'd recommend three or four days of light duty to ease him back into the work schedule and then, barring any setbacks, a return to full duty. He's itching to get back to work."

Elizabeth nodded and rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know. He's been down here about twenty times in the last two days to ask me if we'd talked about that yet. He made it perfectly clear that he felt like he was ready and wanted to know what our problem was."

Carson chuckled. "That's our colonel, all right."

Elizabeth turned to Heightmeyer. "Kate, what about his mental status? Do you think he's ready?"

Kate crossed her legs and folded her hands in her lap. "Actually, he's doing remarkably well. I tapered our talks off when he was released, but he seems to have made excellent progress. You know he doesn't like talking to me, but he did seem to make an effort to cooperate, at least for him. I've noticed he seems less tense and can talk more freely now than when we began. I've actually been getting most of my useful information from the observations of others. He's having less problems with nightmares and he seems to be handling daily activities without getting sidetracked by the thinking about what happened. I think Carson's assessment fits right in with what I'd suggest. I would like one more visit before we clear him for full duty, but other than that, I think he's ready."

Elizabeth smiled at the two. "Good. I'll call him down later and let him know."

"Elizabeth, there is one thing I'm a tad concerned with," said Kate. "He's mentioned on a couple of occasions that if he and Kolya ever meet again, he'll kill Kolya. He seems very adamant about it."

Elizabeth's expression hardened. "Can you blame him?"

Kate took in a deep breath. "No, I suppose not, but he's so fixated on it, that it scares me a little bit. I even asked him if he would kill Kolya if he was unarmed and he said yes."

Elizabeth pursed her lips and looked at her desk a moment before lifting her eyes to meet Kate's. "I should probably tell you that if Ronon had found Kolya when they rescued John, we had pretty much agreed that he would kill him."

Kate seemed shocked, sitting with her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide. "Elizabeth . . I don't understand."

"No, you don't," Elizabeth stated firmly. "You weren't here with that man when he tried to take over Atlantis during the storm. You didn't see the greed and hate in his eyes as he threatened to kill you and your friends. You didn't see him coldly torturing John for something he knew he couldn't have. He is a cold blooded killer and he'll stop at nothing to get Atlantis and I firmly believe that he'll come after John again, and possibly Rodney or myself. Men like him never stop. He needs to be eliminated and I'll not stand in the way of anyone wanting to carry that out. We won't chase him down, but we'll act when given the opportunity."

Kate took in a deep, shuddering breath. "I never thought you'd say anything like that."

Elizabeth looked sad, her eyes moist. "I never did either . . . until now. Did John say anything to make you think he'd go after Kolya?"

"No, nothing like that. He just said if he ever came across him again, he'd kill him. I thought it was odd that he still hasn't decided if he could kill that Wraith, but he has no doubts he'd kill Kolya."

Carson cleared his throat. "Well, the Wraith was being used, just like the colonel was. And the Wraith did end up helping him escape and saving his life. When you think of it, the Wraith was a lot more compassionate than Kolya ever was."

"I guess I never thought of it that way," said Kate.

"If there isn't anything else, then I'll call John and tell him the good news," said Elizabeth.

Carson and Kate both shook their heads and stood to leave. "Good. I'll tell him three days of light duty and then he is to check with both of you for final clearance to full duty." Elizabeth stood and walked her two guests to the door. As she stepped out into the control room, she saw John standing beside one of the consoles, talking to the tech on duty.

"Waiting on anything in particular?" she asked as he gave her his patented lop-sided grin. Elizabeth was relatively certain that she'd never been so glad to see it.

"Nothing special, just hanging around. Why, do you need to talk to me?"

Elizabeth couldn't miss the hope in his eyes. "As it turns out, I do. My office." Without looking back, she turned and headed into the room.

"Yes," John whispered. He was making the final steps to getting things back to normal and he was positive that was just what he needed. The only thing he lacked now was figuring out the answer to the Wraith's question. He still didn't know if all bets were really off. He wasn't sure if he ever would.

TBC

"


	10. Chapter 10

**Note: **Last chapter. I hope you have enjoyed the story as much as I've enjoyed reading the reviews. You guys are truly wonderful. I left it open so I could do more with this later if the mood strikes me.

The Gift of Life – Chapter 10

Elizabeth looked down at John and Rodney, dressed out in full gear as they strolled into the gateroom below. She crossed her arms over her chest as she took a deep breath. It was Sheppard's first mission since Kolya had kidnapped and tortured him and she couldn't help being nervous. She wondered if he was.

John glanced up at the sounds of footsteps and voices to see Ronon and Teyla on their way to joining him and Rodney just in front of the gate. To those in the room that didn't really know him, he seemed relaxed. To his teammates, he was anything but. Fine lines of tension radiated from the corners of his eyes and his jaw was clenched a little too tightly. His fingers drummed across the top of his P90 in a light, but nervous rhythm. His team could see the fear in his eyes, but no one else could, so it was not acknowledged verbally.

"Bout time everyone got here. Are we ready?" asked John, his voice calm and easy and in direct opposition to the nervous tremor he felt racing through his limbs.

"We are ready, colonel," replied Teyla, smiling at him in support.

"Okay, let's get this show on the road." John turned to Elizabeth, watching from the railing above, and waved. "See you in a few hours."

Elizabeth nodded and waved back. "Be safe." She turned to the tech on duty. "Okay, dial it up." A few seconds later, she watched the four friends walk through the gate and felt her stomach clench into a knot of worry. Sighing, she headed back to her office and the paperwork she would spend the next several hours staring at aimlessly.

John was almost relieved when they stepped through the gate to see miles and miles of flat, sandy earth with only a scattering of small shrubby bushes. "Nice landscape," he commented, sweat already beginning to run down his face and back as he was reminded of Afghanistan.

"What's nice about it?" asked Rodney, already groaning in the heat.

John smiled as he continued to scan the horizon. "No trees."

Rodney looked around, confused. "What's wrong with trees? I thought you liked trees. They give us really good things like shade to help keep us from roasting to death."

Teyla and Ronon exchanged a look and a sigh before the Athosian turned to Rodney to explain. "Trees also provide cover for those wishing to ambush us."

Rodney snapped his head around and looked at Sheppard's expressionless face. "Oh, I guess I didn't think of that."

"Which direction is the energy reading coming from?" asked Sheppard, as if he hadn't heard the conversation taking place just a few feet away.

Rodney fumbled with his pack as he got out his scanner and studied it for a few seconds. "Uh, looks like it's coming from that direction." He pointed straight head at a right angle to the gate, toward what looked like small hills with slightly more vegetation.

Sheppard rolled his shoulders to adjust his pack and even out the weight. "All right, ladies, let's roll." He stepped forward, heading straight for the hills that looked several miles away.

Rodney grunted as he hoisted his pack up to his back and trudged along behind Sheppard. "This could be a long day."

Ronon grinned as he looked at Teyla, walking beside him. "In more ways than one." Teyla just nodded.

oOo

"Incoming wormhole . . . Colonel Sheppard's IDC," called the tech.

Elizabeth jumped to her feet with such force, she sent her chair rolling back into the wall. Eight hours of having her imagination go wild while her stomach tried out for the Pegasus acrobatic team had left her past nervous. She had seen Sheppard, as well as others, off on missions after recovering from terrible injuries before and hadn't reacted like this. As she stood clutching the railing and watching for the return of her number one team, she couldn't help but wonder if her anxiety had anything to do with the numerous nightmares she'd suffered since watching her friend and military commander tortured. He'd absolved her of guilt over her part in the event, but she had yet to absolve herself.

She was almost dizzy with relief when four people walked unaided through the gate. Rodney's loud, complaining voice echoed through the large room almost the second he stepped through. Elizabeth found herself laughing, the tension rolling away when she had confirmation they were all okay.

" . . . told you we would roast. I probably have heat stroke or worse. Where's Carson and the med team? I know I'm dehydrated since the Colonel insisted we walk all the way back to the gate without a break."

John looked up at Elizabeth and rolled his eyes. "Can it, McKay. We were out of water and the sooner we got back to Atlantis, the sooner we could get something to drink."

All four were sweaty and filthy, their movements sluggish with exhaustion. As Elizabeth walked closer, she could see they also had dirt in their hair and smudges on their faces. "So, when I sent you to investigate the planet, I didn't mean you had to wear part of it back."

"Oh, very funny," said McKay sarcastically.

"He's been like this for hours," said John. "He's apparently not a big fan of heat and sand." Elizabeth could tell he was tired, but his eyes were dancing and that was worth the hours of endless waiting.

"I'm glad to see _everyone_ made it back safe and sound this time. If there's nothing pressing to report, why don't you see Carson for your post-mission check and get cleaned up. Just let me know when you're ready and we'll have the debriefing."

Rodney sighed loudly. "Not only is there nothing pressing, there's not even anything of importance. It can definitely wait until I've had a nice long shower and about a gallon of fluids."

Elizabeth grinned. "Well, you'd better get to it then. I"ll see you all in a little while."

She watched as the four made their way down the hall toward the infirmary. She knew she was being overly protective as she reached up to her radio. "Carson, it's Elizabeth."

"_Aye, lass, what can I do for you?"_

"Our favorite team just returned and they're on their way to you now. I think everyone is okay, but . . . I just wanted a confirmation of that when you're done with post-mission exams." She thought she heard Carson chuckling before he responded.

"_I'll let you know as soon as we're done."_

Elizabeth smiled. "Thanks, Carson."

oOo

_The Wraith stood over him, one hand on his neck, pressing John into the dirt beneath while the other hand poised over his chest, ready to strike. "There is no one to restore your life this time. I will savor every year you have to offer." _

_John struggled to free himself from the creature's grip, but he didn't have enough strength. He watched in horror as the hand came down to his chest and then pain pierced him all the way through. He tried to scream with the agony, but the only sound he could manage was a feeble gasp for air._

_In one final surge of effort, he rolled free from the Wraith's claws._

John crashed into the night stand as he rolled off the bed and slammed into the floor, one hand clutching his chest as he struggled to draw a breath. He lay on his side for several minutes, focusing on bringing his breathing under control. When he was able, he sat up and rubbed his shoulder where he'd caught the corner of the now overturned night stand.

"Nice, John," he mumbled. Getting to his knees, he stood the table back upright and picked up the few things he'd scattered on the floor. Fortunately, nothing was broken. Standing, he rubbed his shoulder again. He was now fully wired with a raging case of the jitters and the thought of crawling back in bed gave him the creeps. Pulling on his running pants and shoes, he headed out to work off some of the tension.

He alternately walked and ran for quite a while, not even really sure how long he went. He ended up on the west pier, standing out in the open and looking at the moon and the rolling waves. The light breeze felt good on his hot, sweat-drenched body. His shirt stuck to his back as he stretched out on the hard surface to look at the stars. He lay there appreciating the open sky until he was no longer out of breath.

The edges of the sky were just beginning to gray when he got to his feet for the return trip. He figured he'd run back to his quarters, shower, and then hit the mess hall for breakfast. He should make it just in time to join the rest of his team. Smiling, he figured they could celebrate returning unharmed from the mission the day before.

"Sheppard, what are you doing out here?"

John saw Ronon approaching him as he headed for the door leading to the inner halls of the city. "Hey, big guy. Been out for a run. What about you?"

Ronon nodded. "Yeah, me too."

John shifted nervously under Ronon's heavy gaze. "So, I'm just heading back for a shower and breakfast. If you're going my way, we can run together."

Ronon nodded. "Sounds good to me."

Ronon grabbed his arm as John went to walk past him, spinning the colonel around to face him. "Sheppard, are you okay?"

John looked at the former runner, hesitating as he decided what to say. "Yeah, just couldn't sleep. Guess I'm still kind of wound up from the mission."

"Nightmares?"

John snorted and smiled, shaking his head. Sometimes he wondered if the big warrior was in his head. "Yeah, you could say that. Like I said, I'm just a bit wound up." He walked away from the runner. "Coming?"

Ronon followed Sheppard to the door. "I'm right behind you, all the way."

oOo

The next few weeks saw a gradual return to normalcy for John's team. Each mission had them more relaxed and comfortable with their return to action. There were less tense moments that ended with them pointing their gun at small forest animals or Rodney shooting the bark off trees. John's nightmares slowly decreased in frequency and intensity. He didn't end up rolling off the bed or crashing into any more furniture, although he did spend a few more nights walking and running and staring at the stars.

Six weeks after John's first mission as a Wraith attack survivor, they stepped though the gate to a forested planet that looked very similar to the one he had been captured on. John was pleased to realize that it didn't bother him, at least any more than other planets they had visited. "Okay, McKay, what do you have?"

McKay eyed his scanner. "Faint life signs in that direction, could be human, but it's too hard to tell from here. The Ancient database said there used to be some villages on this planet, so I think it's worth checking out."

John nodded. "Okay, then, let's move out." They walked down what looked like a faint, little used path through the grass leading up to the tree line. John felt a slight pang of fear as they entered the darkened woods, but he shrugged it off, reminding himself that his team was there, watching his back. Listening to their easy conversation, he quickly felt the tension melt away and was soon laughing and joking with ease. They had been walking for almost half an hour when Teyla suddenly stopped, her smile dissolving into fear and tension.

"Teyla?" John asked, already knowing her answer.

Teyla nodded. "It is the Wraith."

"We've got to find some cover," said Ronon.

"I know," said John. "Let's go . . . " John staggered as a wave of dizziness washed over him, along with a cold chill that seemed to run from the base of his skull down his spine. He leaned against the nearest tree for support.

"Colonel?" McKay was next to him in a second, tugging on his arm. "Come on, we've got to find some place safe."

John looked up at his team, his eyes wide. "He's here. I can feel him."

"Who's here?" asked Rodney, still tugging at Sheppard's arm.

"The Wraith."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "You really are delirious, aren't you? We've already established that the Wraith are here, that's why we need to hide."

"No, I mean the Wraith from the planet. _He's_ here."

Rodney stopped pulling and stared at Sheppard. "Oh. Him." Rodney frowned as he looked at Sheppard. "Why haven't you named him yet? It'd be a lot less confusing."

"He didn't tell me his name."

"Didn't stop you from naming the others," Rodney protested.

John sighed. "The others were prisoners. I was showing control over them. This is different. If he wants to tell me his name, he will. I'm thinking we need to get out of here, and now would be good."

"You got that right," said Ronon, just as they heard the whine of Darts flying overhead.

"Okay, let's head for the gate, swinging a very wide path as we go. Be on the lookout for somewhere we can hole up until they're gone." John led the way through the trees.

They spent the next hour dodging and hiding, covering each other when any of them were spotted by the Wraith on the ground. As they neared the gate, the forest became unusually quiet, making all of them nervous. They stopped and huddled, their backs together as they looked around.

"You guys ready for the final push?" asked Sheppard, his heart pounding in his chest.

"Ready," Teyla and Ronon responded.

Sheppard turned to look at Rodney, who hadn't said anything. "McKay?"

Rodney sighed. "No . . . but let's do this anyway. I'm not sure my heart can take much more of this."

John nodded. "I think I know what you mean. Ronon, take point. Teyla, you and McKay go next. I've got our six. Move out." John heard the others follow his instructions as he watched their back. He had just started to back up, when he heard gunfire. Movement in the trees caught his attention before he could move to join his teammates.

A Wraith suddenly stepped out from behind a tree and John hesitated, knowing his Wraith brother was out there somewhere. John realized this wasn't _his_ Wraith about the same time he felt the mind-tingling blast from a stunner. His world faded for a few moments and then he realized he was lying on the ground, looking up at the canopy of trees far above. His mind felt fuzzy and he couldn't move. Someone knelt beside him and he prayed it was Ronon or Teyla, but he knew it wasn't.

The Wraith loomed over him, bringing his hand around to stroke the side of Sheppard's face. "You have much fight in you. I look forward to the strength you will bring me."

John felt cold fear and nausea in his belly like a heavy stone and he wanted to plead with the Wraith not to do it, that he couldn't do this again. He was glad he was paralyzed because he was afraid he'd cry or beg if he'd been able to utter a sound. He prayed it would be quick this time and he was thankful he didn't have an audience. He made himself meet the creature's eyes as the Wraith ripped his shirt and vest back with one hand while raising his feeding hand.

The Wraith suddenly jerked at the sound of a stunner being fired and then collapsed over sideways, his momentum taking him away from John. John was pretty sure he was on the verge of a heart attack as his heart raced in his chest so fast and so hard he could see his chest moving with the effort. He had no idea what had just happened.

"I knew you were here. I felt you, as you probably felt me."

John moved his eyes over to see the Wraith . . . his Wraith, kneeling beside him. He would have flinched if he could have when the Wraith pulled his shirt back and checked for a feeding mark.

"He did not feed. You are safe for now."

John and the Wraith stared at one another for several seconds. _Why?_

The Wraith smiled. "Because if you had not hesitated, you would have killed him. You hesitated because you thought it might be me. I owed you this much."

John was confused because he was certain he had not spoken out loud. _Can you hear my thoughts?_

Yes, but only because you are near and you are projecting them toward me. Don't worry Sheppard, I can't normally read them."

_Okay. Thanks, for saving my life again. I guess neither of us is very good at this 'all bets are off' thing._

The Wraith chuckled. "No, I guess we are not. I guess I have your answer now. I have never felt such a bond to a human before. Truly, we are much alike. It will not be easy to be brothers on different sides of a war. There may come a time when one of us must kill the other. But until that day, I am honored to be your brother, Sheppard."

John went to nod, but was quickly reminded that he couldn't. He was having to concentrate to keep conscious, but he wasn't ready to let go yet. _Do you have a name?_

"You may call me what you like."

John could feel himself slipping away. _Gelar . . . means . . . a brother._

The Wraith nodded silently and then looked up, noting the sounds that were coming closer. "Your friends are coming. I will lead the others away so that you may get safely through the gate. Take care, Sheppard."

The last thing Sheppard was aware of was a flash of movement as the Wraith disappeared from his line of sight. _Take care, Gelar._

oOo

John became aware of the pounding in his head about the same time as he recognized the sounds of the heart monitor. There was a slight delay in the sound recognition and the realization that he was the one being monitored. The image of a Wraith poised to feed off him suddenly flashed in his mind and he sat straight up, forcing his eyes open as he held one hand out in front of him and clawed at his chest with the other.

"Colonel, settle down, you're all right." Beckett and Marcy were at his side almost immediately, pulling his hand away from his chest and pushing him back down in the bed. "He didn't feed off you lad, you're fine. You were just stunned."

Sheppard could hear the heart monitor racing away and he closed his eyes, concentrating on calming himself down. A few moments later he had his breathing slowed and the monitor no longer sounded like a runaway train. He opened his eyes to look at Beckett, who smiled down at him reassuringly.

"Good, lad. Just take it easy." Beckett checked Sheppard's IV and the monitor leads while Marcy checked the pulse-oximeter clipped to his finger. "Marcy, why don't you tell the crowd waiting outside that the colonel has regained consciousness and they can see him for a few minutes."

Marcy nodded and disappeared as Carson poured John a drink of water. After raising the head of the bed, he handed his patient the cup.

John noted forlornly that the cup was only half full, but drank it all anyway. He was still thirsty, but he knew better than to ask for more just yet. "Why all the monitors?" He remembered what had happened very clearly now, and he knew he usually didn't warrant all this equipment for a simple stunner blast.

Carson set the cup on the table by the bed. "You've been out for almost six hours, Colonel. I was beginning to get a bit worried. This reaction is somewhat extreme for a mere stunner blast."

John was shocked. Six hours? He was still trying to figure out why he would be out for six hours when his team plus Elizabeth filed in around his bed, smiles breaking out when they saw him awake and propped up.

"Hey guys, I see you found me and got me back in one piece."

"Naturally," said Rodney smugly.

"We found you unconscious lying beside a Wraith who was also unconscious," said Teyla. "The Wraith had been stunned and since you do not have a stunner . . . "

"We wanted to know who stunned him?" finished Ronon.

John tried licking his lips, but his mouth was still dry so it really didn't help. How was he ever going to explain this one? How could he make them understand something he wasn't sure he really understood?

Rodney's eyes suddenly widened and he snapped his fingers. "It was him, wasn't it? You said that brother Wraith from the planet was there. Did he stun the other Wraith, because your shirt was all torn like someone was getting ready to have you for lunch."

John shivered at the abrupt memory of the Wraith above him and the fear that had filled him. "Yeah . . . guess he saved me again."

Carson looked worried. "Oh, my, Colonel, you don't mean that other Wraith fed off you, do you?"

John, realizing what the doctor thought, shook his head and thereby aggravated his headache. "No, Doc, nothing like that. I, uh, well, I hesitated when I saw the Wraith. I guess I subconsciously wondered if it was Gelar and – "

"Gelar? That's his name?" asked Rodney.

"Yeah . . . well, it is now, at least for me."

"You named him? I thought you said you weren't going to name him?" Rodney was frowning, now totally confused.

"I asked him his name and he told me just to call him whatever I wanted, so I picked Gelar . . . it means a brother. And don't say it, McKay."

McKay held his hands up defensively. "Not saying anything. Someone please note that for future reference."

"I thought the added DNA kept other Wraith from feeding on you, at least the ones your . . . friend . . . was around."

"Yeah, I think it's supposed to. But I guess they'd have to start feeding before they'd detect it, and even then there's no guarantee they'd stop." John grimaced at the thought of how close he'd come to living through that nightmare again.

"Colonel, if you had been stunned, how did you talk to him?" asked Carson.

John hesitated again, knowing they weren't going to like this. "I, uh, just thought things to him and he heard me . . . in his mind . . . kind of like mind reading I guess. Look, I know it's weird, but he said it's only in close proximity and only if I project my thoughts for him to pick up."

Elizabeth exchanged a worried look with Carson and then with Teyla. Yeah, he was pretty much the freak of the month. Maybe he could charge admission and retire early. Come see the Wraith-Ancient man who survived being fed on.

"John, why don't you just tell us what happened," said Elizabeth calmly, her face neutral once again.

"Uh, yeah, okay. I guess these guys have already told you about our circumstances, with Wraith all around, and that I sensed the Wraith from the planet was there. I was bringing up our six when I saw a Wraith come out from behind the trees. I guess I hesitated about firing and that gave him a chance to hit me with a stunner. He was about to feed off me when Gelar showed up and stunned him. We talked for a minute, well, he talked and I thought." John ran his hand through his hair. That sounded weird even to him.

Teyla reached out and laid a hand on his arm, smiling at him when he looked up at her. "It is all right, colonel. We are just curious about what happened and glad that you are unharmed."

John nodded and made a feeble attempt at returning her smile. He was pretty sure he failed. "We talked for a minute. He saw me get shot because I hesitated and so he returned the favor by saving me from the other Wraith. We decided not to kill each other unless we absolutely had to. We did the name thing. When he heard you guys coming, he said he'd try leading the others away from the gate so we could escape."

"That's why it was so easy to get you out of there," said Ronon.

"Easy?" said Rodney in amazement. "You call that easy?"

Ronon grinned at him and crossed his arms. "Yes, for a planet full of Wraith, that was an easy escape."

Rodney just looked at Ronon wide-eyed for a moment. "Oh."

"How bad is the headache?" asked Carson.

John stopped rubbing his temple as he realized what he was doing. "I think we're approaching wall-banger status."

Carson nodded. "I thought as much. Probably a combination of the stunner blast, the lack of sleep, and the connection to the Wraith. I suspect that's why you were out so long. I'll get you something for that in a minute, just as soon as I run these people out of here so you can get some rest."

"Don't," said John. He looked decidedly uncomfortable as he twisted the sheet in his hand. "Don't make them go."

Carson frowned a little in concern before his expression lightened and he nodded. "All right, son, they can stay. I still want you to get some rest."

John nodded. "I will. I just . . . don't feel like being alone right now." He stared at his feet, unwilling to make eye contact with anyone and a little embarrassed at his confession. He felt a bit like a six year old just waking from a horrible nightmare and crawling into bed with his parents. He just wasn't embarrassed enough not to ask.

"Well, that's good, cause I think you'd have to call in the marines to drag us out of here anyway," said Rodney, his defiance making the corners of John's mouth turn up. He looked at the others. "I don't know about you guys, but wild horses couldn't drag me out of here."

Teyla and Ronon looked at one another questioningly. "We have no idea to what you are referring, but we will stay also," said Teyla. Ronon just nodded.

"Thanks, guys," said Sheppard. "When can I get out of here? I was just stunned, not really injured."

"I know, colonel, but I'd like to monitor you over night just to be sure, especially since you were unconscious so long. I'll release you in the morning if everything looks good. Now, I'm going to get you something for that headache and then I expect the rest of you to let him rest. When he gets to sleep, I want all of you to head back to your quarters for some much needed rest of your own."

John relaxed his head back against the pillows, content to have his team around him and to be home in Atlantis. He'd have to find a way to come to grips with the Wraith DNA thing without letting it drive him crazy.

"Hey, if having Wraith DNA makes this guy your brother, does that make Teyla your sister?" asked Rodney as he plopped down in a chair and propped his feet up on Sheppard's bed.

"Only if my having human DNA also makes me your brother," replied John.

McKay pulled his lips up in a look of mock horror. "Now _there's_ a scary thought."

oOo

John punched the pillow a few times in a feeble attempt at puffing it up. He then stretched out on the sleeping bag and looked up at the night sky. It was dark on the west pier because it was so far from the inhabited portion of the city. No power meant no lights in this section and the sky above him was alive with a myriad of stars. John studied them for a long time, connecting the dots in some sections to make his own constellations.

He'd wandered the unexplored section of the city most of the day since being released from the infirmary. After desperately craving company last night, he just as desperately craved solitude and quiet today. He'd told Elizabeth what he was doing so she wouldn't worry and she'd promised to keep his secret. He'd have to thank her somehow for keeping her word. He'd needed this time to think more than he could ever have imagined and it had been good for him, helping him come to terms with recent events. John had considered going back to eat in the mess hall with his team and bed down in his quarters, but he just wasn't ready to leave this place yet. The stars seemed to beckon him.

Part of him was surprised to hear the door to the pier open and part of him had been expecting it for a while. He knew his team would have begun to worry by now and he'd half expected them to seek him out. Looks like the half that had expected them had won.

"What are you guys doing here?" John had yet to take his eyes from the stars and was gauging their location by their footsteps.

"What are _we_ doing here? We're looking for you, of course. What are _you_ doing out here? Aren't you supposed to be resting?" No one could miss the irritation in Rodney's voice, even if it was dark enough to make it hard to see on his face.

John smiled. "I _am_ resting. I thought you were a genius."

Rodney snorted. "You had to get all the way out here somehow and I doubt you took the Atlantis express. See, I _am_ a genius."

John tilted his head back so he could look up at Ronon. "You ratted me out, didn't you Chewy?"

Ronon shrugged his shoulders. "Teyla and Rodney were worried."

Rodney dropped a sleeping bag, pillow, and bag down a few feet from Sheppard. "How do you know I didn't find you with the city's life sign detector?"

John let his head roll to one side so he could grin at Rodney. "Let's just say Atlantis and I had a little talk this morning."

"I knew it!" said Rodney. "I knew that's why I couldn't find you. You and that stupid gene."

John chuckled. "Genes, Rodney. I'm developing quite a selection."

There was no sound but rustling as Teyla and Ronon deposited their sleeping gear strategically around Sheppard. John watched with amusement until everyone was settled, Rodney on his left and Teyla on his right and Ronon near his feet. He was surrounded and it was strangely comforting. "So, when are you guys going to stop hovering?"

No one answered for a while, until Rodney finally broke the silence. "As long as it takes for us not to see you in that chair having the . . . you know . . . and that may be a while."

John did know, unfortunately, and he agreed with the time estimate, at least from his end of things.

"How did you know what that name meant? I mean, you don't seem like the kind of person that goes around studying name meanings."

John laughed and glanced over at Rodney. "Well, you're right about that. One of the people I was stationed with once had a thing about names. She made a point to research everyone's name and tell us the origins and meaning. I guess a few of them stuck with me."

Rodney had stretched out on his sleeping bag and was propped up on one elbow. "I don't guess you know what Rodney means?"

John's expression was serious as he deadpanned, "I'm sure it means pain in the butt."

"It does not," sputtered Rodney. "It doesn't, does it?"

Ronon and Teyla were both snickering, which further infuriated the scientist. "Oh, very funny, colonel. I hike all the way out to the middle of nowhere to keep you company and this is how I'm treated."

"Rodney?"

"What?" Rodney snapped angrily.

John looked at Rodney, his form eerily visible in the moonlight. "Thank you."

Rodney squirmed, uncomfortable with the sudden positive attention. "Uh, it's okay. You're welcome."

John looked to Teyla and then to Ronon, managing to make contact even in the dark. "I need to thank all of you. Teyla knows that . . . I'm not good at this kind of stuff . . . but you guys are like family to me. I just think maybe I should tell you that . . . I couldn't have made it through this without you."

"No big deal, Sheppard," said Ronon, obviously as unfamiliar with expressing his feelings as Sheppard. "We watch each other's back. That's what friends and family do."

Teyla touched John lightly on the shoulder. "I am proud to be part of your family, John. And I am proud to have you as part of mine."

"Okay, now that all the mushy stuff is out of the way, let's get some sleep," said John. He smiled as the three people around him settled down on their make-shift beds. He was lying out in the open and yet he felt safe because his team was around him. He knew it was a mirage, that they weren't really safe anywhere in this galaxy. But he didn't want to think about that now. He wanted to enjoy the first time in a long time that he was relaxed. He trusted these people with his life and he knew they trusted him with theirs. There was no better feeling as far as he was concerned.

John felt himself drifting off, and he silently thanked his Wraith for the gift of life. Because it had given him time to realize he had an even better gift . . . that of a family.

THE END

**Note: **I meant to explain something last chapter. The comment about Tigger came, of course, from an episode of Winnie the Pooh. Tigger made the comment that a character was one taco short a combination plate and that always kind of stuck with me (probably because I love Tigger). What do you expect from someone with three kids? I've seen a lot of cartoons.


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